Dear Annie: My wife of 19 years still to this day keeps in contact with her ex-boyfriend from high school.
They dated all through high school, and after they broke up, he ran her through the mud by spreading rumors about her to all her friends and then wrote a long letter to her stating how she was a slut.
Fast-forward many years, when we had just gotten married, and by some strange accident, they reconnected. I told her I did not like her communicating with him because he doesn’t respect me or our marriage. He used to call her at 2 or 3 a.m. to talk to her and even asked her to go on vacation with him.
Recently, I found out she asked him to come to a music festival that she was attending with some of my friends. I was furious at the fact that she knew I would not approve, yet she did it anyway. I stated to her once more that he does not respect me and that she isn’t respecting my wishes. She brushed it off as no big deal. What should I do?
— Frustrated About Wife
Dear Frustrated: Well, I certainly don’t blame you for being frustrated! If your wife wanted to stay friends with her ex, then she should have spoken to you about some ground rules. Speaking to him in the middle of the night or behind your back is disrespectful to you and the marriage that you have built with her.
Calmly express to her your point of view, and share some specific requests that would make you more comfortable with the relationship. For example, maybe you want to be included when the two of them see each other, or maybe you want to be in the room when she talks to him on the phone. Or maybe you should tell her that she should not be talking to him in the middle of the night. Seriously, you have to put up with that?
If she’s not willing to compromise on her relationship with her ex, then she’s compromising your marriage.
Dear Annie: Every year, my brother and sister-in-law create a calendar with pictures for the whole family. The calendar also lists all of our family birthdays and anniversaries.
My mom just passed away. Of course, we’ll include photos of her in the 2025 calendar, but should we continue to list her birthday and marriage anniversary? Part of me thinks that my dad would not want to be reminded of his loss, while another part of me thinks he’ll be insulted if we remove the dates. He’s so emotional right now that I hate to ask him.
Thoughts?
— Calendar Conundrum
Dear Calendar Conundrum: First off, I’m so sorry for your loss.
Whether you include these dates or not, your father will no doubt be thinking of your mom and grieving what would have been special days together if she were still alive.
Your brother and sister-in-law should make the calendar for this year as they usually would, with your mother’s birthday and wedding anniversary included. This will serve as a reminder that, although she is gone, she is never forgotten.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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