Dear Eric: I am planning a trip next year to the other side of the country. The purpose of my trip is two-fold: to spend some time with an elderly relative and to travel for a few days to a nearby major city in order to connect with friends and see the sights.
I have several family members who live in the area, and I am making plans to see them all. However, one family member seems to think that they will be accompanying me on the entire trip, including to that major city, because “we don’t get to see each other enough.”
This is true—we don’t, as they moved to this area of the country decades ago. But it’s also irrelevant; I’m not looking for a traveling companion. Any ideas about how I can send this message without being hurtful?
—Solo Visitor
Dear Solo: In my book, the best way to communicate is also the best way to fly across the country: directly. It’s not unkind to tell your relative that you have a full agenda and are hoping to see a lot of different people, some of whom the relative doesn’t know, and so you’re planning to make the trip alone. Being direct about saying “I’ll see you at [X] place and [X] time and then I’m going to the next stop on my itinerary” helps you make your expectation and your capacity clear.
Now, what if your relative ignores that and says “I don’t mind just hanging out at the hotel while you see your friends” or something like that? Then you have to be even clearer.
“No, that won’t work. I’m looking forward to seeing you at [X] place, but I’m going to be taking the rest of the trip by myself.” If you’re up for it, you can offer an alternative time for the two of you to spend longer together. But that’s not what you planned and it’s not your responsibility to manage that on this trip. Your relative may be letting their enthusiasm get ahead of them, but if they’re feeling hurt by your agenda, that’s not something that you caused.
Dear Eric: There’s an important issue you failed to address in the answer to “Silent Partner,” whose fiancé had an ex-wife who was still trying to control him and even sent a “gift” of $1,000. The writer states that her partner is “choosing to ignore it and believes any response would fuel her behavior even more.” It’s highly likely he is right. The fact that the ex-wife has a history of mental and physical abuse may mean that the only way to deal with this behavior is to go “no contact.” With some personality disorders, any response to their words or gestures gives them cause to think they still have power over you. It’s a dangerous, never-ending game.
—Been There
Dear Been There: Thank you for this insight. I hadn’t put enough consideration into the very likely possibility that there was a personality disorder at play here. The letter writer and her fiancé ought to have better discussions about the way the letter writer feels, but it would be wise for the fiancé to stay disengaged from the ex.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
