Dear Annie: I’ve been in a relationship with “Adrienne” for eight years. We’ve both been divorced for about a decade, and our children, now teens, are around the same age. She has one daughter, and I have a boy and a girl. We aren’t married but live a few miles apart, celebrating birthdays and holidays as a “blended” family and enjoying annual vacations for the past seven years.
During those vacations and other fun times, when we take group photos together, Adrienne only posts pictures of herself and her daughter, as if my kids and I weren’t there. After eight years, she’s never posted a photo of us together or wished me a “happy birthday” on social media. I, on the other hand, post family photos including her and her daughter, often of the same celebrations she posts but from which we are conspicuously absent.
I’ve told her how hurtful this feels to me and, potentially, my kids, now that they’re on social media. She assures me she loves us but says I’m oversensitive and has made it clear she has no intention of changing her posting habits. It feels increasingly humiliating to see her “family photos” that effectively crop us out.
The children enjoy their time together, so I’m reluctant to end the relationship, but this ongoing treatment makes me feel like we’re her “dirty little secret.” Am I being overly sensitive, or is this a red flag? I wanted a partner who would stand by me and my children no matter what, but in eight years, she hasn’t even stood with us for a photo. Your insight would mean a lot. I increasingly feel like my kids and I deserve better.
—Feeling Cropped Out
Dear Feeling Cropped Out: Adrienne’s persistent exclusion of you and your kids on social media is certainly hurtful, and your feelings are valid. Social media doesn’t define a relationship, but in today’s landscape, it certainly carries some weight. Even more than not posting you, it’s her dismissal of your feelings and being unwilling to compromise that’s a bigger red flag.
While you’ve talked about it with Adrienne before, I encourage you to have a deeper and more serious conversation. Let her know how important this is to you, mainly in what it symbolizes, and that you might not be able to see the relationship through without it. I wholeheartedly agree that you—and your kids—deserve a partner who embraces all of you, both privately and publicly.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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