Dear Eric: I was married to my best friend for several years. He was truly a family man. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to help his family or friends.
Unfortunately, he was killed suddenly and tragically. Now his family has nothing to do with me or my child.
I find this very hurtful because we hosted most of the holidays, birthday parties, and cookouts.
I have tried reaching out numerous times. Have left messages requesting a call back. They have been ignored. I was going through cancer treatments traveling into Boston five days a week for a couple of months.
Can you advise me what I should do? Should I just give up and not try contacting them?
—So Sad Sister-in-Law
Dear So Sad Sister-in-Law: I’m very sorry for the loss of your husband and for the way you’re being treated. There’s no excuse for it. Grief does make people do uncharacteristic things, and that can be hurtful to those who need care and compassion the most. This is a time that family should be drawing together. I can’t say why they’re behaving this way. Generously, I might think that their grief is too overwhelming and too complex for them to be there for you. But they need to do more than ghosting you, even if all they can do is tell you, “This is too painful right now; I need some space.”
While you navigate this difficult period, on top of your cancer treatments, it’s important for you to prioritize your needs and care. Some reconnecting with your husband’s family may be possible in the future, but right now, you should focus on and seek out those friends and other family members who are there for you unequivocally, who can anticipate what you need and who can make space for you to process your feelings. For now, put the other family to the side for the moment. They can’t help you and right now they’re just hurting you more.
Dear Eric: “Left Out Sister” complains that her sister didn’t share the proceeds from the sale of their father’s house fairly. But Left Out Sister says she went along with it when the sister “asked me if I minded” leaving two stepsiblings out of the split, contrary to their father’s expressed wishes that the proceeds be split four ways. Left Out Sister was naïve to think that the sister would be fair and honorable in dealing with her when she had been less than fair and honorable in dealing with the stepsiblings.
This episode shows why people should meet with a professional (who is not a party at interest) to clarify estate distribution wishes.
—Fair Is Fair
Dear Fair Is Fair: A very good point. Estates should not be done with handshake deals, and everything should be verifiable. Estate lawyers are very good at helping families make these arrangements clearly and fairly.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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