Dear Eric: My son is recently engaged to a fabulous woman. I love her dearly. She’s always addressed me as Mrs. [My Last Name]. I would like to pass the torch, per se, and tell her that she will soon be Mrs. [Last Name] and that I’d like to be called either by my first name, MIL (for Mother-In-Law), or Mom (only if she’s totally comfortable).
She sees that I call my mother-in-law Mom, and my sister-in-law calls my mother Mom, and I don’t want her to feel like she’s not worthy to call me Mom. But at the same time, she has a mother and I wouldn’t want her to feel disloyal by calling me Mom. Can you tell me the best approach to make her comfortable to call me whatever she likes?
—Loving Soon-to-be Mother-in-Law
Dear Mother-in-Law: This is a transition that might take a few go-rounds to truly stick. Try not to take it personally, if that’s the case. Your first instinct—to give her options and invite her to choose what makes her most comfortable—is great. Verbally acknowledge that this is a new phase of your relationship that you’re building, and you’re excited to make a change if she’s comfortable with that. And then ask her what her preferences are. This is also a good way to start to talk about how you two are building your relationship. The names are important, but the most important thing is that you are working together to get closer, to form a bond, and to communicate with each other. This relationship, like every other relationship, takes intentionality and care on both sides. What a privilege to begin this new step.
Lastly, be open to trial and error here. Or to revision down the line. And tell her that. One day, you might be MIL and another you might be Mom. Neither of you has to find the perfect fit right away. Leave room for both of you to keep testing out options until you settle on nomenclature that feels right.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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