Asking Eric: Should I try to reconnect with brother who thinks I’m going to Hell?

Dear Eric: I have a distant relationship with my brother as I am a gay man with a “new thought” religion, both of which he says will send me to Hell.

We communicate mostly by email on birthdays and Christmas, but did get along well more than 10 years ago when our father passed and the estate was settled. I sent my nieces gifts on their birthdays and Christmas until they turned 18 and stopped thanking me.

I’ve seen one niece in person in the last 20 years. Two of the nieces send Christmas wishes at times.

I was invited to the wedding of a grandniece I’ve never met, probably at the urging of my sister-in-law, who would like to see my brother and me closer. My husband was not included in the invitation. I declined the invitation, stating we had booked a cruise at the time of the wedding. I will send a card.

Of course, I lied about the cruise. Should I have attended as a way to get back into the family? They are my only living family save three cousins, two of which are fundamental Christians. I feel much closer to my husband’s family who are welcoming and available. How do I handle another invitation?

— Estranged Guest

Dear Guest: Wedding invites are sometimes olive branches, but at other times they’re simply social gestures that can take on outsized influence. While the invitation you received was kind, accepting it or future invites that feel more obligatory rather than genuine, may not serve you as well as reaching out to your family in a way that is safe for you.

Let’s talk about this practically: would you really have enjoyed this wedding, knowing few people and feeling that your husband had been excluded? I suspect you wouldn’t have, which would have made it hard to have reconnecting conversations with your brother. Weddings are also not ideal times for those kinds of conversations.

A card is the right move here. But if you want to be closer to your family, first figure out what your boundaries are (ideally in conversation with your husband), and then reach out.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)