Dear Eric: I have been friends with Teri for more than 25 years. We have been through marriages, divorces, celebrations, and condolences when loved ones pass. Even though we no longer live in the same city, we still remain close through emails, texts, and phone calls.
The issue is her husband, Bill. He’s a bit of a blowhard and no one likes to be around him. My husband really doesn’t like Bill and since we no longer live in the same city, it’s generally not an issue.
We are going on a cruise and have invited my sister to join us. She has extended the invitation to another friend who is also friends with Teri and Bill. My sister asked her friend not to mention the cruise to Teri and Bill because she knows my husband would refuse to go if Bill was going.
What do I do if they find out and decide to join us? I don’t want to go with them because I know my husband would not enjoy himself and frankly, neither would I! Should I be frank with Teri and tell her Bill, and therefore both, are crashing our party?
— Sinking Ship
Dear Ship: There’s a skiff full of ifs that have to happen before Teri and Bill come aboard your boat. But, if they do find out, even though your sister asked her friend not to say anything, and if they do decide to come on the trip, and if they ask you to make room on your itinerary, then you should be direct but not unkind and tell Teri that you appreciate her friendship, but you’re not vacation friends because of the way you feel about Bill.
I’m not saying this is an easy thing nor that it’s going to go over well. It probably won’t.
But if you don’t want to go on vacation with Bill and you don’t want to cancel your ticket, then you have to be direct.
However, don’t let your frankness be a hard no. Make it a “no, but.” You can’t forbid them from coming on the cruise, nor should you try. But you can ask Teri if there are other ways that you could be together, whether it’s a visit for just the two of you or something else. Here’s hoping it doesn’t come to all that and you can enjoy the cruise without a tough conversation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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