Dear Eric: I’m an older gay man who has been estranged from my family during my earlier years. Things were mended before my mother’s death, but family members and I rarely interact.
My mother had a tradition of giving all the children $50. After her death, I have continued this tradition which has become pretty expensive since the family has grown so large. I’m comfortable, so I don’t mind the expense really, but only one of the parents acknowledges the gift.
I hear that thank you acknowledgments have kind of gone out of style.
I’m not sure what I’m asking here because the tradition really is in honor of my mother, but should I just continue to ignore the lack of acknowledgment? I know some of the grandchildren didn’t think they got all they were entitled to in my mother’s will. They may feel that this is a small recompense.
— To Gift or Not to Gift
Dear Gift: See if you can release yourself from trying to manage anyone else’s feelings but your own. Remember that a gift, more than anything else, is a symbol of one’s well-wishes, one’s hopes for the recipient, and one’s love. How it’s received is out of your control. This is a good thing, because it means that you’re not responsible for how the grandchildren feel about the gift.
It also means that if the act of giving doesn’t have the desired impact on them or on you, you can re-evaluate it with no guilt.
“Thank you” is not a phrase that has been lost to time. We don’t need archaeologists to re-discover thank you notes, much evidence to the contrary. We don’t give in order to receive thanks, but gifts should be acknowledged. Gifts and thank you notes aren’t debts that are owed, they’re both forms of communication, which is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship.
As you noted, the relationship that these gifts connect to most is your relationship with your mother’s memory. If, in that respect, you’re getting what you need, then keep it up. But consider that there may be other ways to honor your mother that leave you feeling more fulfilled.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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