Asking Eric: Should I confront my friend about her controlling spouse?

Dear Eric: My best friend and I, both in our 60s, used to do everything together. Last year, she met a nice man and after a brief courtship, they married. I even performed the wedding ceremony.

Now, we barely see each other and maybe text or call once a week, if that. I knew and understood that our friendship was going to change once she married, and I expected that, but I never thought it would be so drastic. Her husband gets upset if she wants “girl time” with me or even with other friends. I feel really hurt and discarded. I’m not sure if I should talk to her about it or leave it be. I don’t want to cause a rift between us or make it awkward.

—Fractured Friendship

Dear Friendship: Talk to her. Her new husband’s behavior is concerning and controlling. Isolation is a form of emotional abuse, and it can escalate and put her in danger. He shouldn’t have a negative emotional response to her spending time with friends, particularly her best friend. She (and you) can find resources at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (TheHotline.org). Help can start with a conversation between you and her that’s rooted in your love for her and your desire to see her healthy and happy.

It may be helpful to enlist other friends as well. You don’t want to gang up on her, but you can ask other friends if they’re seeing the same issues you are. If she hears this perspective from multiple people, it may take root more effectively. As you go about this, try to set your hurt feelings aside for the moment. There will be time to address them, but first, you’ll want to make sure she sees the issues in her relationship clearly.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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