Dear Eric: Our niece (my husband’s brother’s daughter) is expecting her first child. While we are very happy for her, the way she announced her news, and some of her past actions, have affected my feelings toward her as they directly impacted me, my husband, and our kids.
This niece announced her pregnancy to us (via FaceTime, as she doesn’t live locally) at a family birthday dinner held for her father’s and our son’s combined birthdays. While my brother-in-law may have been OK with sharing his birthday with his daughter’s announcement, our son was not forewarned nor had any say in how the events unfolded. Apparently, everyone at the dinner knew of our niece’s pregnancy and how she was to announce it, except for us.
To add insult, the birthday “present” our niece gave to her cousin was a faux lottery ticket that, once our son had scratched, said “We are pregnant.”
This niece doesn’t visit often due to work, but when she does, and they’re always fleeting visits, she never forewarns us, but tells her father, sister, grandparents, and friends. We don’t know she’s in town until she’s already arrived, on the verge of leaving, or after she’s already gone. We’ve asked our niece repeatedly to forewarn us, too, whenever she plans to visit, but she still doesn’t.
Now my mother-in-law has announced that she will be hosting a baby shower for this niece, to which I’ll be invited, and I’m hesitant to show up for someone who seems to have little regard for me or my family. My plan is to decline attending when the official invitation arrives but to send a small gift. At that time, I’ll also explain to my mother-in-law only why I won’t be participating. I’m interested in your thoughts.
—Excluded Aunt
Dear Aunt: While you’re certainly under no obligation to go to the shower, I’m not sure that declining and telling your mother-in-law about your grievances is going to solve your problem. Instead, it’s more likely to pull her unnecessarily into a conflict that doesn’t involve her.
Even if she asks why you’re declining, I don’t see how it serves you to get into the nitty-gritty with her, rather than saying “I just can’t make it work.”
You should decide, however, whether having a conversation with your niece about your differences is going to get you anywhere. If you’d like to have a closer relationship moving forward and see a path to do so, then it’s worth hashing out your expectations and coming to an understanding. It sounds like some of what she’s doing may not be intentionally rude even though it’s coming across that way to you. Talking it through directly might help.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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