Dear Eric: I am so disappointed in my 18-year-old granddaughter. She recently got a tiny cross tattoo on her arm. I dislike them and hate seeing people covered with ink. She went to a Christian school her whole life and is accepted at a Christian college and lives a Christian life.
I know it’s her life but, having been close to her from birth, I now feel I don’t know her and the trends she accepts. Long fake nails, tattoos, bleach hair that has ruined her once lovely brunette, short tight clothes that are barely there, skimpy bathing suits. The list goes on. It is a slippery slope for what’s acceptable to younger people today. How far will we slide in society before we stop? What should I do to turn her around?
—Disappointed Grandma
Dear Grandma: Your reaction to the tattoo suggests that she’s sliding into a wild depravity, but the tattoo itself—a small cross—doesn’t seem to be a symbol of that. I don’t know the details of the “Christian life” she’s living, but even with the long nails and the short clothes, your letter paints a picture of someone who is not sowing wild oats. Maybe something more akin to overnight oats.
Respectfully, I encourage you to relinquish some of the control that you want to have over your granddaughter’s life and choices. She isn’t “covered in ink” and even if she was, it’s her body and other people’s opinions about her body, including yours, are not appropriate.
If you don’t respect her enough to let her explore her own path at 18, it will be harder to have a loving and supportive relationship as she continues into adulthood. Hair grows out, nails come off, clothing trends change. Her choices are not indicative of a society on the verge of collapse. They’re age-appropriate experiments that happen in every generation, just with different trends.
Think back to when you were 18. Even if you still approve of all the choices you made, it’s not hard to imagine that someone two generations removed from you did not approve. What would have been more helpful for you then? Disapproval and reprimand, or a “live and let live” approach that saw you for who you were on the inside? Try to connect to your empathy when it comes to your granddaughter. Empathy will lead to curiosity. And curiosity leads to connection.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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