Asking Eric: My family only calls when they’re distracted and I’m frustrated

Dear Eric: The only time I spend any time talking on the phone is with three family members. Though I enjoy and treasure those conversations, it frustrates me that the only time they call is when they are either driving somewhere or Though I enjoy and treasure those conversations, it frustrates me that the only time they call is when they are either driving somewhere or going for a walk. Therefore, our phone connection is frequently not the best and/or they’re distracted.

There’s a part of me that wants to say “call me when you can just sit down and visit” but all three seem to have such full and busy lives that the other part of me is grateful they take the time to call. I, too, could be in the middle of something, but I stop and enjoy our conversation, giving it my full attention.

Should I suggest they call when they can give me 100 percent of their attention or continue to be grateful they’re even fitting me into their life?

— Call Waiting

Dear Call: Ask for what you need to make the most of the time you have together. Your family members are free to make an adjustment, to politely decline, or to suggest a compromise. But you won’t get there unless you make your feelings known.

I have a close relative who doesn’t like to talk on the phone if I’m out in public. It stresses the relative out, worrying that I’ll be distracted by the phone call and not be alert enough to my surroundings. It took a little trial and error for me to accept this, I’ll admit. But now it brings me a lot of joy to be intentional about finding an indoor place to have our calls.

We all have our habits and our wants. Sometimes those wants don’t jibe. You’re grateful they’re fitting you into their lives, but hopefully they’re grateful that you’re making time for them, too, and want that time to be meaningful. Relationships thrive on all parties involved feeling free enough and cared for enough to ask for what they need.

Dear Eric: I’m a 72-year-old active person in several social groups. Is there a tactful way to ask if my peers have a partner at home or live alone? When I was younger, it was an easy question to ask, but I worry I might upset someone widowed or divorced. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances, but I’m not sure how to progress the friendship when such a simple question feels taboo. I’d appreciate your feedback.

— Personal Question

Dear Question: I think it can still be tactful to ask, “Are you married?” Or “if you don’t mind me asking, are you in a relationship?” Perhaps you’d preface it by sharing your relationship status. We share information and ask for information in return as a way of getting to know people. I find that some widowed people enjoy being asked to talk about their partner. Similarly, there are some divorced people who have no trouble saying, “that was then, this is now.” Those who might take offense are also free to decline.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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