Dear Eric: I have been divorced for nearly 10 years. My ex-husband had an affair when I was a new mother and abandoned me after 16 years of marriage.
At this point we share an 11-year-old daughter. He married the other woman last summer, and they treat me terribly.
Family members and strangers feel strongly that I should be friends with him.
This is extremely hurtful and confounding. Why is it my responsibility to mend the relationship? He should apologize to me.
He won’t, and I need to move on.
What advice do you have for not letting these judgey-wudgies bother me?
—Proud Single Mom
Dear Mom: Let me be the first stranger to tell you that you don’t have to be friends with this man. You can be cordial, if you want, for the sake of the co-parenting relationship. But friendship is a two-way street and he’s on a different block. If he hasn’t made amends for how he hurt you and is continuing to treat you terribly, there’s nothing on which to build a relationship.
People love to have opinions about how we should live our lives. These people — family and strangers alike — have invented a scenario in their minds that doesn’t have a thing to do with your reality. So, when they make their comments to you, remind yourself that they’re writing fan fiction and turn your mind back to the facts.
Fact: You’re trying to be the best mom you can be and part of that involves modeling healthy boundaries in relationships for your daughter. This is such a valuable lesson.
I know that it can be hard to not let these judgments worm their way in. But remember that if they’re pressing you to carry the weight of a friendship with your ex, they’re not speaking with your best interests in mind. Ask yourself who this would benefit. It’s not you and it doesn’t sound like it would meaningfully benefit your daughter either. You may wonder why they even care so much. It’s a fair question, but one that you may never answer. Best to pay closer attention to the opinions of those who do care about you, have your best interests in mind and, most importantly, ask you what you want to do rather than tell you what you should do.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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