Dear Eric: My brother-in-law (never known for his tact or diplomacy) came to our house for Thanksgiving dinner where we had 15 people in attendance. Getting everything on the table in time is always a challenge but each year, people show up, eat, drink, and are merry.
This year, my brother-in-law announced twice, in a loud and carrying voice, “This turkey is ice cold!” It was not piping hot because it got pulled out of the oven to get carved, and to make way for everything else that had to go in, and because of all the items that other guests showed up with that needed to be heated. But it was not cold. He then left early, telling me dinner was too crowded.
I was angry, my husband was angry. He sent my brother-in-law a text the next day about it. My brother-in-law responded that I was “taking on too much for dinner” (which is actually kind of rich coming from him because he hasn’t hosted anything in years).
I saw him that same weekend for another family function (a catered function held elsewhere) and he came right over to tell me all that had gone wrong with the dinner. I said, “NOPE” and refused to engage with him.
I’ve told my husband I’m not having him over again unless he apologizes. My husband thinks I’m being unrealistic. Thoughts?
— Quitting Him Cold Turkey
Dear Quitting: Kudos to you for not dumping the not-ice-cold turkey right into his lap. He absolutely owes you an apology. It sounds like he’s dealing with mental or emotional issues that are impacting his ability to respond appropriately. You suggest that he’s always been like this. So, when your husband says you’re being unrealistic, maybe he’s saying “Well, you know how he is. What can be done?”
But there’s a big difference between knowing that a relative is a pill and loving them through it and being rudely insulted by a relative and just sucking it up. You don’t have to accept it. There are consequences for our actions. And it is realistic to hold other adults accountable when they act out.
Your brother-in-law is not behaving like someone who wants to continue being invited over. Until he apologizes, he can eat his own turkey at whatever temperature he desires.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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