Dear Eric: My sister, age 86, and I, 84, have two younger brothers, 77 and 74. We have all been invited to share Thanksgiving with one of my brothers and his wife. We siblings are spread out geographically and are not particularly close but not estranged either.
We all agree that “the girls” had a significantly different upbringing than “the boys,” with the girls getting the better deal. There are certainly no major factors like physical abuse during our childhood; however, our mother had some psychological problems and showed some anger and paranoia symptoms, which scared us as children and were overt enough that many in our town knew about her. In general, however, we had a typical mid-century, small-town upbringing.
My question is how to get the most out of this reunion without sitting around rehashing old issues/resentments and complaining about our parents, especially our mother. Are there general conversation questions we could throw out at meals, and if rehashing must be done, how can it be productive rather than disruptive? I would like to return home with a warm feeling of sibling closeness instead of nursing new resentments, and I welcome your suggestions.
—Our last reunion
Dear Our last reunion: I’m so glad you’re being proactive about this. So often we think that family bonding just happens, and we get disappointed when that’s not the case. But gathering takes planning and it takes intention.
With regard to your conversation questions, think about what you don’t know about your siblings, rather than what you do. We often get stuck rehashing common ground because it feels like a shared vocabulary. But we can learn so much more and feel connected in such a different way by leading with curiosity.
What are they proudest of? What’s something the family doesn’t know about them? What lesson did they take from childhood and how did they apply it in life? What do the siblings appreciate about each other? What are their favorite memories of each other? What qualities of the others do you each wish you had? What never got said?
You might even want to send a question or two out in advance to prime the pump. It’ll get your siblings thinking and set a tone for the meal. It could even inspire them to bring questions of their own.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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