Dear Eric: A beloved member of my close friend group has joined a drum troupe that plays at events through the city. She always group-texts her besties and tells us where she will be and when and urges us to come.
I understand showing up for my creative friends when they are in plays (or write plays!) or play in bands (even mediocre ’70s rock covers). I make the effort to be there to support.
We all showed up when they played at No Kings Day. I thought I fulfilled my obligation, but no. She continues to ask us to come to more of the shows. I am happy for her that she has found something that brings her joy, but it doesn’t bring us joy. Standing around watching a drum troupe doesn’t appeal to any of us. None of us want to hurt her feelings. I feel extra guilty because she has come to a bunch of my storytelling gigs. How should we handle this?
— Super Trouper
Dear Super Trouper: I don’t think the group should address it at all. There’s no way that it wouldn’t hurt to hear one’s close friends say, en masse, that they don’t want to come to more of one’s performances. And there’s no harm in your friend’s enthusiasm. If it needs to be addressed, it should be done individually.
Two big questions here: what is your expectation of yourself with regard to showing up for friends’ events and what is your friend’s expectation of her friends? If, for instance, she’s inviting you because she thinks you’ll enjoy it, there’s a different expectation than if she’s inviting you because it helps her to have a friendly face. Basically, are you there to be a member of the audience or are you there to be her friend?
Similarly, what do you expect of yourself? Even with the text invites, you’re actually under no obligation to do something you don’t enjoy. There are probably other ways that your friendship flourishes. And if she presses the issue with you, then you can say that you’re happy for her, but you’re not the best audience.
It might hurt for her to hear that her offering isn’t landing for you the way she wants it to. But this conversation is an opportunity for you to reaffirm that you support her pursuits and remind her that the reason she got into this is because it brings her, and many others, joy.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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