Dear Eric: I have a few longtime friends. After four years of caretaking, my mom passed away from dementia. After that, I had to arrange for the selling of furnishings and the house. My 65-year-old brother, who shared the house with her, has cerebral palsy and required round-the-clock care. So, I had to arrange all that.
During this approximately 18-month period, one friend went through and survived breast cancer and another lost her life to a brain tumor. Sadly, none of the other friends ever let me know about these sweet friends.
I know I can’t feel guilty about what I didn’t know about, but I feel like I needed support and still do as I mourn.
Am I so easily forgettable to not be included in these lifelong friends’ trials? I feel terribly inconsequential. The guilt I feel is becoming burdensome.
How do I move forward? They don’t include me now in anything. I know I was preoccupied, but it was with good reason.
— Feeling Lost
Dear Lost: I’m so sorry. To experience this kind of social loss after the loss of your mother and your friends is terrible. I’m curious if you’ve been able to talk to your friends about what shifted in your relationship and how you feel about it. It’s totally understandable if you haven’t had the capacity to hash it out. But some part of this may be due to miscommunication. I wonder if your friends have pulled back on updating you on hard news or their plans because they fear becoming burdens to you. Of course, other explanations are possible. But it’s possible they’re going too far in an attempt to be sensitive to your needs.
Talk to them one-on-one about where you are, where you feel your relationship is, and what you’d like to be different. You may be surprised by what you hear from them, and they may be surprised by what you share.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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