Asking Eric: Don’t let fear stop you from being there for a sick loved one

Dear Eric: As a retired hospice chaplain, I would like to comment on the recent letter from the person who has a terminal illness, and by extension, all those who might feel isolated from friends and/or family because of a challenging health situation (“Wanting Company”). First, I hear you. You are still the same person that you always have been. You crave quality time with those you care about the most, but they distance themselves.

Now I am addressing those reading this who hesitate to visit. Not knowing what to do or say is no reason to not see them. Just show up, and soon, either by calling or visiting. Of course, contact them first for when it’s convenient to visit. Bring a prepared meal or two. If you ask how they are doing, know that they may say “lousy,” as the writer did. Do not say, “Is there anything I can do for you?” Instead, be specific. Examples: “I want to visit next week at your convenience and/or will bring you a couple of meals. I am available to take you to your next doctor’s appointment. I can do some errands for you, sort your mail, etc.” And then follow through if they accept your kindness.

Finally, listen intently and without judgment so they feel free to share whatever is on their mind. Know that whatever they tell you, or don’t tell you, is OK. It is also fine to hold their hand and sit with them in silence for a while, taking your cues from them. In my experience, attending to one who is seriously ill can enrich both your lives.

—Company

Dear Company: These steps are so beautifully put and so clear. Often, we feel we don’t know what to do when friends and loved ones are ailing or suffering. But the answer is deeply human: be there, say, “I don’t know.” Say, “I’m here.”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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