Dear Amy: My husband and I don’t have children. My sister is a single mom and she has always been strict with her children. She has a rule for her kids that when they turn 18, they either pay rent or move out.
Her daughter turned 18, didn’t find her footing and wasn’t working, and so my sister kicked her out. She asked to live with us and we agreed.
She is doing great at our house; she is attending a local community college and is working part time. We like having her here. We are not charging rent and are encouraging her to save her money.
My sister is furious with us for undermining her rules for her children. I’m not sure how to respond.
– Caring Aunt
Dear Aunt: Your sister’s rule was to either pay rent at home or move out. Her daughter moved out. Your sister’s basic attitude is that when her kids turn 18, they must take responsibility for their lives.
As far as I can tell, this is exactly what your niece has done. I applaud your choice to offer housing and support while she continues to mature.
I suggest that you dodge your sister’s fury by emphasizing that her daughter is doing well. In your sister’s home, she makes the rules, and in your home, you do.
Dear Amy: “Sensitive Stepmother” wrote that her stepdaughters’ mentally unstable mother, who had no-contact for several years, had reached out to the stepmom privately, asking for her to arrange contact with the girls.
Thank you for responding with a “hard no” to this!
My mother (similar story) found ways to draw other people into her drama in order to get to us. We were afraid of her and really needed the adults around us to protect us, not open the door.
– Gratefully Grown
Dear Grown: Thank you for affirming my instincts about this.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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