Dear Amy: I am a divorced mom in my early-30’s, with primary custody of my 8-year-old child.
I have been dating “Ben” for the past two years. He is a great guy and he is very good with my son.
We have been talking about getting married. He has never been married before (no kids) and I am gun-shy, to say the least.
I own my home, my son is happy, and I am trying to be extremely careful about our future.
Last week Ben took me out for a drink. He said he had something important to tell me. He confessed that he is almost $20,000 in debt. He said he is trying hard to clear his debt, but he isn’t making much progress.
I have a stable and successful career. I am extremely financially responsible and have already started saving for my son’s college education.
Ben seems under-employed. He is a relaxed, fun person. He said the debt came from purchasing a car and more recently from a ski vacation he went on with some friends.
I feel extremely uncomfortable now. I am wondering if Ben expects me to clear his debt by using some of the equity on my house. He didn’t ask me anything specific and I’m not sure how to feel or how to react to this.
Your wisdom?
— The Responsible One
Dear Responsible: Are you prepared to be a parent to “Ben,” as well as to your son? Because his choice to lay this on you without a specific plan of action seems to be a bid for you to take this on.
People who have a lot of consumer debt who continue with their spending will sometimes try to get their problem to go away by simply shifting it to someone else.
I suggest that you take this conversation to the next level. Ask for complete transparency and documentation. I think it is somewhat likely that more debt will emerge, once he opens up his books.
Do not marry, comingle your finances or bail him out. He needs to demonstrate a concerted commitment to clear this debt on his own. He is an adult single man with no people to support. He could clear this in under two years, but it would require that he make some big changes.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.comor send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter@askingamyorFacebook.)
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