Asking Eric: Family feud over kids’ behavior leads to banishment

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He has children from his first wife, as I have boys from my first marriage. Recently, we were at a birthday party at my stepson’s home for one of our grandchildren. The kids, aged 5 through 9, were punching Uncle Rick in the stomach as hard as they could.

The gentleman sitting next to me said, “I do not like the hitting.” I said I agree, “I think it is disrespectful.” My daughter-in-law just about jumped over the table and said, “It is not disrespectful, they are playing.”

They now no longer speak to me, and I have been banished from their house. My stepson said I disrespected my daughter-in-law. I stand by my statement. I do not think kids should be allowed to punch a grown man in the stomach for fun. Your thoughts?

— Banned Mother-in-Law

Dear Mother-in-Law: The punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Banishment is too extreme. However, it’s worth looking at what’s happening outside of the frame.

First, the word disrespectful was tossed around a lot. Is it possible that your daughter-in-law felt you were criticizing her parenting in an unwarranted way? This isn’t to say that the kids should have been punching their uncle. It wouldn’t have been my choice. But Uncle Rick also has bodily autonomy and may have chosen not to stop them because he didn’t mind. It’s impossible for me to say, but if that was the case, one can see how other people’s opinions about the punching might not have been welcome.

Your stance on this matter isn’t outrageous, though. One hopes that your stepson and daughter-in-law are teaching their children how to play safely and respectfully (and without violence). But even if they’ve missed the mark on this one, it may be for family unity for you to agree to disagree and tell your daughter-in-law that you didn’t mean to malign her parenting and you’d like to start over.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)