In my mind, Thanksgiving is the most American holiday of them all.
Most of us have a vague — likely inaccurate — understanding of how it came to be. (I dunno. It was the Pilgrims or something. Then Abraham Lincoln made it official.)
The rules are vague, as are the traditions. But that doesn’t stop people from being fervently opinionated about the most minute, arbitrary details.
It starts with a parade in New York, featuring TikTok celebrities who will confuse our parents and stars of musicals we’ve never heard of. Then there’s a high school football game that, for some reason, now has zero playoff implications in Massachusetts.
Oh, there will be more football, too. The Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys will play. It doesn’t matter how bad one of them may be (Dallas this year). We’re going to watch them. And no, they won’t play each other.
Then there’s dinner. There is a specific food playlist that must be adhered to.
Where did this list come from? Why do we adhere to it? Shut up! No political talk at dinner. Go sit in the corner with your grumpy uncle who spends too much time on the internet.
Thanksgiving foods, ranked best to worst | 2024 edition
Why do this every year? Why are some foods ranked at different spots from last year? These are all great questions that I have no plans on answering.
As always, this list was created after doing zero research and without consulting previous lists. This ranking is not scientific, but it is correct.
1) Stuffing — I love stuffing because it’s an absolutely nonsensical — and delicious — food.
First off, it’s essentially a savory bread-cake that uses gravy instead of frosting. Second, it was intended to be actual stuffing, but people wised up and started skipping that step to just make giant bricks of magically enhanced zombie bread.
Third, the method of making it is absolute insanity. Imagine telling someone, “Hey, I want you to bake some bread. Then cut it all up into cubes. Then add chicken stock and herbs. Then cook it again. But what I really want is to put it in the fridge and then cook it a third time tomorrow to make a sandwich — on some different bread.”
2) Gravy — Gravy is a Thanksgiving cheat code. Even if there’s something that’s overcooked, dry or just doesn’t taste good. There really isn’t a problem that can’t be solved by adding gravy. Unless the gravy is bad, at which point you should feign food poisoning and go somewhere where there is better gravy.
3) Whipped Cream — Whipped cream is the gravy of dessert. It improves everything it touches. That’s why I don’t just put it on a slice of pie. I fully entomb my pie in a whipped cream sarcophagus that covers every millimeter of surface area.
4) Turkey — I don’t know how it happened. But it’s somehow become fashionable to bash turkey at Thanksgiving. “Oh, it’s dry.” “Oh, it’s boring.” Sounds like a skill issue to me.
Ingrates! Heathens! Heretics! Turkey is out here doing all the work. Yet somehow the centerpiece of Thanksgiving gets no thanks at all.
It’s a lean protein that acts as the meaty bedrock of the whole meal. It works with everything — gravy, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce — to create that familiar blend of flavors.
No wonder all the wild turkeys are out here harassing mail carriers. They get no respect!
5) Chocolate Cream Pie — This is a deeply personal pick. When I was younger, I was kind of a picky eater and thought I didn’t like pie. I was a dumb kid and didn’t know any better. But even then, there was chocolate cream pie to save me during dessert.
6) Pecan Pie — Stupid 10-year-old me was out there thinking pie wasn’t that good. Meanwhile, there was pecan pie, which is basically just a sugar pie.
7) Bread/Rolls — Cooking a Thanksgiving dinner is an endeavor entrusted to only the most noble among us. Those heroes in the kitchen are tasked with cooking a bird the size of a duffel bag along with way too many side dishes — all while the lazy gremlins in the living room watching football get hungry.
Dinner may not be ready yet. But bread is always there to help us survive until then.
8) Pumpkin Pie — The optimal vessel for whipped cream.
9) Apple Pie — Listen, this is a great pie. But let’s be honest, apple pie has gone on to bigger and better things. It’s like when we still pretended Taylor Swift was a country singer. It’s too mainstream to really qualify.
10) Macaroni & Cheese — Now, there are some people out there who may say, “Macaroni & cheese isn’t a Thanksgiving food.” It’s OK to be wrong.
There are also people who say you can’t have cake for breakfast, but will also eat a muffin. There are no rules. Eat cheese and be happy.
11) Mashed Potatoes — The ultimate “glue guy” on the team. Starchy, spreadable, good for making a gravy volcano out of.
12) Cornbread — I like cornbread. I also rarely find myself excited about cornbread at Thanksgiving. This is a me problem. You’ve done nothing wrong, cornbread. Please don’t be sad.
13) Squash — As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to appreciate squash more and more. It’s both decorative and delicious if cooked correctly. Roast it up with some maple syrup and cinnamon and you’ve got yourself a good time.
14) Peas — Peas are the greatest scam of Thanksgiving. You can put five peas on your plate and honestly state that you took vegetables.
15) Green Bean Casserole — Side dishes should either be a healthy vegetable or a hedonistic abomination. This casserole tries to be both and I don’t support it. Let’s be honest, we’re only eating it for the crispy onions on top.
16) Scalloped Potatoes/Potatoes au Gratin — This is a classic case of wasted potato potential. The combination of cheese and potatoes in a side dish should be magical. But every year, these always feel lacking. There’s also the issue that scalloped potatoes go from scalding hot to cold in the course of about five seconds.
17) Candied Yams — It’s so bizarre that this is a real thing at Thanksgiving. There is no other dinner side dish at any other occasion that involves covering it with toasted marshmallow. What a waste of good marshmallows.
18) Salad — As always, salad at Thanksgiving is like having an ambulance at a tee-ball game. You’re almost certainly not going to actually use it. But everyone feels a little better knowing it’s there.
19) Cranberry Sauce — The greatest tragedy of Thanksgiving is that this nightmarish amalgamation of congealed bogfruit flesh is a fundamental, required part of the holiday. Its tart, acidic nature is essential in breaking up all the other starchy, fatty foods on the table — especially when making a Thanksgiving sandwich.
But being required doesn’t mean it’s good. Baking powder is required for a cake. That doesn’t mean it’s good by itself.
I will not stop complaining about cranberry sauce. Why? That’s because you make it the same way a witch would make some cursed nightmare potion. You take some crimson-red fruit that can only be found in specific, swampy environments and then you throw it in a cauldron until it’s hot and soupy.
Throw in some eye of newt and this stuff is straight out of “Bewitched.”
Previous versions:
How does this ranking compare to previous versions? You tell me. I refuse to go back and compare:
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Want more “I Ate It” food coverage? You can follow Nick on Instagram (@NickAteIt) and TikTok (also @NickAteIt)
“I ate it so you don’t have to” is a regular food column about off-beat eats, both good and bad. I picked the name years ago and now we’re sort of stuck with it.
You can send any praise/food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please send all criticisms and complaints about the rankings to jpignati@masslive.com. You can check out the rest of the series here.
