Here’s the good news: We don’t have to worry about Cinnamon Bun seltzer haunting the Market Baskets and Star Markets of the land.
Here’s the bad news: Its replacement is still kinda weird.
That would be Vanilla Cupcake, the new flavor that’s included in the updated release of Polar Seltzer’s “Dessert Cart” flavors.
It’s kind of like when Chevy Chase finally got kicked off the TV show “Community.” They never quite found the perfect replacement to restore the dynamic. But every new character they introduced got bonus points for simply not being Chevy Chase.
Polar Seltzer 2026 ‘Dessert Cart Flavors’ | Review
The “Dessert Cart” flavors are a limited-edition 12-pack of cans that debuted last year. I still have mixed emotions about it.
Super-sweet flavors and seltzer typically don’t go well together. There’s a reason that tart fruit flavors tend to make the best seltzers.
But there were some successes. The Lemon Meringue and Strawberry Rhubarb Pie were actually pretty good.
Apple Crisp? Not great.
Then there was Cinnamon Bun. At the time, I described it as tasting like “a Brown Sugar Pop-Tart that’s been microwaved in the wrapper and then left in the trunk of a 2013 Nissan Sentra all winter.”
I stand by that statement.
Fortunately, with Vanilla Cupcake in the mix, we now have a refreshed lineup:
- NEW: Vanilla Cupcake
- RETURNING: Apple Crisp
- RETURNING: Strawberry Rhubarb
- RETURNING: Lemon Meringue
What do they taste like?
Vanilla Cupcake: Polar’s vanilla-based seltzers have never been a hit with me. But I think this is the best one they’ve made.
You get an intense pop of vanilla reminiscent of marshmallows and those white vanilla Tootsie Rolls.
I kept using the phrase “old vanilla” in my mind to describe the flavor. It reminded me of the inside of a Charleston Chew and a glass of cream soda without any sugar.
Apple Crisp: It has a prominent “green apple” flavor that doesn’t quite mesh with the fall spices. The cinnamon is interesting. But there’s no getting past the cartoonish wave of apple you get on every sip.
Lemon Meringue: This has a little of the same vanilla vibe as its cupcake sibling. But in this case, it’s employed much better as a secondary flavor behind the pleasant drive of lemon.
Strawberry Rhubarb Pie: This is the best of the bunch because it doesn’t really taste like a “dessert” flavor at all. It’s a tart strawberry-forward seltzer that has a nice, rosy flavor.
The final word: Updated all-time seltzer rankings
Vanilla Cupcake is a major upgrade over Cinnamon Roll. But not that much. It’s still well below average, ranking at No. 79.
As always, these rankings are not scientific, but they are correct.
106. Cinnamon Bun (Dessert Cart)
105. Blueberry Lemonade
104. Mango Cherry Bliss (Summer Seasonal)
103. Vanilla
102. Seltzer
101. Pomegranate Apple (Winter Seasonal)
100. Lemon Cola (Polar Park Exclusive)
99. Hibiscus Cloudberry (Winter Seasonal)
98. Blackberry Mango Punch
97. Minotaur Mayhem (Impossibly Good)
96. Apple Crisp (Dessert Cart)
95. Lime
94. Strawberry Honeydew (Summer Seasonal)
93. Ruby Red Grapefruit
92. Jalapeño Citrus Margarita (Limited Edition)
91. Mermaid Songs (Impossibly Good)
90. Blood Orange Punch (Expedition: Flavor)
89. Raspberry Lime
88. Triple Berry
87. Strawberry Lemonade (Seltzer’ade)
86. Cranberry Cider (Winter Seasonal)
85. Vanilla Zen
84. Blueberry Lemonade (Seltzer’ade)
83. Blueberry Lavender (Summer Seasonal)
82. Blackberry Mango Punch (Summer Seasonal)
81. Polar 100 (Special Edition)
80. Blood Orange Sangria
NEW: 79. Vanilla Cupcake (Dessert Cart)
78. Passionfruit Blueberry (Summer Seasonal)
77. Yeti Mischief (Impossibly Good)
76. Strawberry Watermelon
75. Yuzu Orange Blossom
74. Pomegranate
73. Cranberry Raspberry (Expedition: Flavor)
72. Cranberry Bramble (Winter Seasonal)
71. Dragon Fruit Lemonade
70. Island Blueberry (Expedition: Flavor)
69. Raspberry Rosé (Summer Seasonal)
68. Be Mine (Valentine’s Day Edition)
67. Cranberry Clementine
66. Mango Limeade (Seltzer’ade)
65. Chili Lime Pineapple (Expedition: Flavor)
64. Kiwi Pink Grapefruit (Summer Seasonal)
63. Nectarine Lemon (Expedition: Flavor)
62. Guava Mule (Summer Seasonal)
61. Pineapple Guava
60. Spiced Pear Cider (Winter Seasonal)
59. Mandarin
58. Blackberry Clementine (Winter Seasonal)
57. Seaside Watermelon Punch (Summer Seasonal)
56. Watermelon Lemonade (Seltzer’ade)
55. Watermelon Wonder (Expedition: Flavor)
54. Apple Pom Bomb (Expedition: Flavor)
53. Pixie Lights (Impossibly Good)
52. Dance of the Plum Fairy
51. Pineapple Lemonade (Seltzer’ade)
50. Cherry Pomegranate
49. Prickly Pear Citrus (Winter Seasonal)
48. Ginger Lime Mule
47. Berry Sweet Grapefruit
46. Grapefruit Melon Kiss (Winter Seasonal)
45. Nectarine Grapefruit (Winter Seasonal)
44. Clementine Bramble (Expedition: Flavor)
43. Key Lime Grapefruit
42. Toasted Coconut
41. Coconut Limeade
40. Ginger Peach (Winter Seasonal)
39. Passionfruit-O-Guava (Summer Seasonal)
38. Tropical Cherry (Summer Seasonal)
37. Tart Cherry Limeade (Seltzer’ade)
36. Concord Clementine (Winter Seasonal)
35. Watermelon Mojito (Summer Season)
34. Frosted Boysenberry (Winter Seasonal)
33. Papaya Breeze (Summer Seasonal)
32. Poolside Grape Pops (Summer Seasonal)
31. Blackberry Snowflake (Winter Seasonal)
30. Black Cherry
29. Unicorn Kisses (Impossibly Good)
28. Georgia Peach
27. Pineapple Pomelo
26. Blood Orange Lemonade (Seltzer’ade)
25. Blackberry Citron (Winter Seasonal)
24. Upside Down Plum (Winter Seasonal)
23. Pomegranate Champagne
22. Elderflower Starlight (Winter Seasonal)
21. Raspberry Limoncello (Summer Seasonal)
20. Blood Orange Cranberry
19. Pink Summer Iced Tea (Summer Seasonal)
19. Lemon Meringue (Dessert Cart)
17. Brown Sugar Clementine
16. Lemon
15. Blueberry Tangerine (Summer Seasonal)
14. Starfruit Lemonade
13. I’d Rather Drink Alone (Valentine’s Day Edition)
12. Peach Iced Tea (Summer Seasonal)
11. Black Cherry Vanilla
10. Strawberry Margarita (Summer Seasonal)
9. Strawberry Créme (Summer Seasonal)
8. Strawberry Rhubarb Pie (Dessert Cart)
7. Raspberry Pink Lemonade (Seltzer’ade)
6. Pink Lady Apple & Lemon
5. Orange Vanilla
4. Nectarine Lemon (Summer Seasonal)
3. Dragon Whispers (Impossibly Good)
2. Perfectly Plum Summer (Summer Seasonal)
1. Cranberry Lime
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“I ate it so you don’t have to” is a regular food column about offbeat eats, both good and bad. I picked the name years ago and now we’re sort of stuck with it.
You can send any praise/food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please send all criticisms and complaints to mperri@masslive.com . You can check out the rest of the series here.
