I knew this was a bad idea going into The Big E this year. But the reality of my predicament really set in when I got to the seventh food on my list and said to myself, “OK, time to eat a Lobster Volcano.”
The form of my impending demise was quite appropriate, a looming specter with mystique and flavor of New England permeating through it.
It was like the Legend of Sleepy Hollow. But this time, instead of a pumpkin head, the headless horseman chucks a deep-fried Whoopie Pie at me and sends me to the Big E lost and found – a purgatory where they say all things stay forever.
This marks the 12th year that I’ve covered New England’s largest state fair. Once again, I was tasked with mapping out all the food and (more importantly) charging the gates and trying the craziest food I can find.
Could I do this in multiple visits? Probably. But in order to truly capture the absurdity of a trip to The Big E, I try to pile everything into one day. It’s like when you take the groceries in from the car and try to carry every bag at once. My pride won’t permit me to surrender to common sense.
So, after the calamity that was my Big E visit last year, surely I took it easy out of the gate this time around.
Well, not so much.
Food No. 1 – Two-Foot Chili Cheese Dog | From White Hut | In the Food Court
(A two-foot hot dog served on three buns topped with chili, cheese and potato chips)
I categorically refuse to learn my lesson. I will continue to charge recklessly into The Big E and no one can stop me (unless my primary care physician is reading this).
Like Wile E. Coyote chasing the Roadrunner, I’m sprinting straight into that wall that looks like it has a tunnel painted on it. Surely it’ll go great.
Oh no! It was a disaster! Absolutely no one saw this coming.
The Two-Foot Chili Cheese Dog from the White Hut is an insane construction.
The dog comes served on three separate normal-sized hot dog buns and comes in a long tray designed to keep it in one piece.
Clearly, it is not designed for someone to pick it up out of the tray.
So I picked it up out of the tray and immediately made a huge mess. There were audible laughs from multiple tables nearby.
This was going to be a long day.
Status: Hydrated, covered in sunblock, filled with too much meat too early.
Food No. 2 – Candy Bar Pizza | From Top The Crust | In the Food Court/On Industrial Avenue
(Cookie crust with vanilla cream frosting and crushed-up candy)
OK, we had our savory first course. It was time for dessert.
The Candy Bar Pizza from Top The Crust reminded me a lot of going to Uno’s. Imagine the signature deep-dish pizza combined with the skillet cookie you can get for dessert.
It was alarming how much I enjoyed this. The cookie was gooey. The frosting has a nice Dunkaroos vibe. The melted, caramelized candy had a wonderfully chewy texture.
This pizza is an insane idea and I was at risk of eating all of it 15 minutes after I entered the fair.
Status: Fighting for my life against my desire to constantly eat cookies and candy.
Food No. 3 – Sloppy Dough | From Anna’s Fried Dough | On West Road
(Sloppy Joe filling and shredded cheese on fried dough)
It’s surprising how much a nice piece of fried dough can be like eating pizza. It’s a chewy, bready experience with a crispy exterior.
Sloppy Joe filling isn’t the most exciting thing to throw on there. But boy, is it satisfying.
I was a little surprised to see shredded cheese on there. I was expecting cheese sauce. Apparently, everyone around here is too fancy for crayon-yellow cheese sauce these days.
Status: Currently fueled and ready to go. Surely this is sustainable. Hold on, why does my stomach feel weird?
Food No. 4 – Dr. Pickle | From Veggie Patch | On Commonwealth Avenue
(Dr. Pepper and pickle juice topped with pickles)
Whoa, we went a little fast out of the gate. We needed to hydrate.
For some reason, this establishment has decided that it’s a good idea to pour Dr. Pepper and then pickle juice into a cup, garnish it with a pickle skewer and then charge $10 for it.
I spent about 10 minutes sipping on this thing and it kept scrambling my brain. It tasted heavily of Dr. Pepper with a background flavor of brine. Someone went through the work of making a graphic for this drink. I’m so confused.
Status: In a cattywampus mental status. Feeling a little fatty-wampus physically.
Food No. 5 – Elote Corn Dog | From Giant Corn Dog Factory | On West Road
(A corn dog rolled in hot Cheetos covered in crema, cilantro and corn)
Finally, someone is embracing the “corn” element in the corn dog.
This was a lot tastier than I was expecting. The exterior components combine into this really delightful wave of savory, earthy flavors with just a little bit of spice.
The taste becomes electric when you get some of the corn and crema in there.
Finally, something that tasted good – not more of these nonsense foods with pickles shoehorned in.
Status: Should I stop eating? Nah. This is merely a high-protein diet. I should ignore all the warning signs my body is giving me.
Food No. 6 – Pickle Sundae | From Amy’s Sweet Treats | On Commonwealth Avenue
(Vanilla ice cream topped with pickle relish and whipped cream)
I hate how much I did not hate this.
For as absurd as this sundae is, it kind of works. You get a salty-sweet crackle of flavor from the pickle. It reminded me a bit of salted caramel.
But instead of caramel flavor, you get an electric shock of pickle.
Status: Oh no. It turns out that hot dogs, pickles and ice cream don’t like spending time together in the stomach. They are bad roommates.
Food No. 7 – Lobster Volcano | From Yankee Boy/International Lobster House | On West Road/Springfield Road
(Lobster bisque topped with lobster and bacon in a bread bowl)
Well, it’s too late to turn back. It’s time to add seafood to the equation.
At $31, the Lobster Volcano is easily the most expensive item on the list. But unlike a lobster roll, this is a spectacle that does some work to earn that price tag.
Thankfully, the volcano is loaded with big chunks of lobster and bacon. Ripping off pieces of the bread bowl and soaking them up with all the soupy insides is a wonderful flavor experience — provided you haven’t eaten like a crazy person up to this point.
Status: My feet hurt. My stomach is doing weird things. It feels like it’s making that screeching noise from an old dial-up modem.
Food No. 8 – Pretzel-Covered Cookies | From The Hop Knot | In the Connecticut Building
We’ve had deep-fried cookies. But what about cookies ensconced in pretzels and then cooked?
Well, they’re hit or miss. I love Snickerdoodles, but they didn’t quite work in this form.
But the Oreos? They were the perfect complement to the pretzel exterior. Combined with the cream cheese icing they give you, they’re a delightful treat.
These are similar to fried Oreos, but with a more bready spin.
Status: Impressed. Unformfortable. Extremely dehydrated. Did I lock my car? How did I get here?
Food No. 9 – Octoberfest Beer-Infused Ice Cream | From J. Foster Ice Cream | In the Connecticut Building
(Ice cream infused with Sam Adams Octoberfest with pretzels mixed in)
This is the single worst thing I ate at The Big E this year. It tastes like frozen beer foam.
You know what? This is on me for buying the novelty beer ice cream. I could have just gotten Graham Central Station. But no, I had to go get the crazy thing for laughs.
Who’s laughing now? Well, besides the older couple at the table next to me, asking what ice cream I got that made me show such disgust on my face.
Status: Making weird faces in public, distressing those around me, trying not to get the police called.
Food No. 10 – Dirt n’ Worms Bucket Cake | From LuAnn’s Cupcakes | On New England Avenue
Finally, something delicious.
This is a simple, but effective cake-based parfait loaded with frosting, cake and gummy worms.
I have no jokes here. This is wonderful. The fact that it comes in a bucket gives it 15 extra flavor points.
What do flavor points do? If you have to ask, you’ll never fully understand.
Status: Grappling between this being delicious and my body protesting every decision my brain makes. I feel like I’m moving in slow motion, like a video game where I forget to hit the “run” button.
Food No. 11 – Shrek’s Swamp Water | From W.A.V.E. Mocktails | In the Front Porch
(pineapple, sour mix, “Blue Curaçao,” lemon-lime soda and a gummy)
OK, time to come in nice and smooth and land the plane safely. Let’s get a nice mocktail, hydrate and finish this without incident.
The staff apologized when they gave me my drink. It was supposed to come with a gummy frog. I got a gummy shark instead.
Status: That’s OK. We’re in zen mode. We’re just chilling now. Our editor told us to limit the trip to 11 foods, so time it’s time to go ho–
Food No. 12 – Cheesy Puerto Rican Dog | From Boricua Bites | In the Front Porch
(A hot dog and cheese wrapped in a tortilla and deep-fried)
Wait. Everyone stop. There’s a new hot dog I’ve never seen before. It only cost me $6.
Forget the plan. We’re going rogue and we’re buying this. It’s too late for anyone to stop us. By the time I’ve written this sentence, the evidence has already been eaten and there’s no one to stop us.
Boricua Bites is new to The Big E this year. I didn’t even see them on any of the listings for food vendors. So it was pure chance that I happened to walk by and go, “Wait, what is that?”
I saw a hot dog I didn’t recognize and immediately bought it without asking any more questions.
Apparently, it’s like a long hot dog empanada. It’s a crispy, savory, cheesy delight. Not only that, it’s one of the more affordable foods at the fair.
I love it when The Big E surprises me. Well, my brain does. My body absolutely hates it.
Status: Mentally at peace and physically ready to be loaded onto an air mattress and put out to sea. Just put me out on the ocean and let me disappear.
So, where did that leave me?
Passed out in a patch of grass behind the state buildings — for the second year in a row.
Well, sort of. As usual, I did it for a video I posted to MassLive’s TikTok/Instagram. This time around, there were some passersby who were curious and slightly concerned. Still, they were happy to provide commentary.
“He’s dead.”
“He ate himself to death, I heard.”
“He ate himself to death?”
“Yeah, I heard, it’s unfortunate.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
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