I went to the spooky, slimed-up Dunkin’ in Salem so you don’t have to

SALEM — I cannot stress this enough: Going to Salem around Halloween is not worth it, even for a really cool-looking Dunkin’ — unless you want to know the face of true fear.

In this case, “true fear” is a legion of Ford Explorers circling parking lots. It’s a zombie hoard of tourists in matching T-shirts pushing baby strollers and looking down at their phones to see where the “Bewitched” sculpture is.

I braved the snarled labyrinth of traffic, the financially charged riddles of parking, the eldritch horrors of the worst tourist traps this state has to offer.

All I got was the same menu you can get at any Dunkin’ location. I also got the chance to poke a piece of plastic slime decoration to be 100% sure that it was AI-generated or photoshopped into an image for Instagram.

I’ve been riding an embarassingly low-stakes emotional roller coaster since I saw Dunkin’ post images of the spooky, slimy modifications made at their location on the corner of Washington and Norman streets in Salem.

The images showed purple slime decorations and cobwebs strewn inside and outside the venue. Then I stepped onto the sort of roller coaster that only exists for people who spend too much time online.

The tale of the spooky Dunkin’ in Salem

Part 1: A specter appears on the internet

Like many people, I saw the images on the internet and thought, “Wow, that’s really cool that they did that.”

Part 2: Cynicism is the folly of man

Hold on. Don’t the decorations in the pictures look overly glossy and clean? They sort of look like they’re edited in.

Nothing fun on the internet is real anymore. It’s all AI slop instead of quality, human-generated content, like me posting mediocre pictures of an uninteresting meal.

Part 3: Humanity prevails, thanks to TikTok videos

After doing way too much research on the topic, I found videos of random people going to that Dunkin’ location.

Dreams aren’t dead yet. A glimmer of hope still sparkles amid the arid doldrums of our society. The decorations are real.

Part 4: I learned nothing from Greek mythology

As part of our Destinations coverage, I took it upon myself to venture out to Salem. I wanted to see if it was really that crowded and hectic around October. I also wanted to check out the cool Dunkin’ decorations.

I thought it was going to be a fun odyssey.

Unfortunately, I forgot that the point of “The Odyssey” is that Odysseus was gone for way longer than he should have. He got too clever while escaping a cyclops and made Poseidon really angry.

I got clever with my travel reporting and got a weird look from a skeleton-clown-biker who was riding a motorcycle and blasting Quiet Riot while stuck in traffic.

It’s basically the same thing.

Part 5: I poked the slime

Well, I made it. I found a random parking spot in front of Witch City Hibachi and wandered the brick streets that threatened to annihilate my ankles.

I’ve got to say. The decorations are real and delightful. There are a lot of cool little touches, like the dripping purple slime on the drink handles.

Then there are the doughnuts, which have new Halloween-themed names such as Witch’s Brew-Berry (blueberry), Boston Scream (Boston creme) and Vampire’s Bite (jelly). There was also the Spider Donut and Pumpkin Donut, which I guess didn’t need new names.

I was hoping that there would be some cool exclusive menu items. But that wasn’t the case.

Resigned to defeat, I ordered a Spider Donut, a Witch’s Brew-Berry and something called a Candy Bar Signature Iced Latte.

While I waited, I looked up to see purple slime hanging from a sign that read “Pick Up Linez.” I poked it, feeling satisfaction at the hard, plastic tactile feedback.

The sign swung back and forth. I’d physically touched the purple stuff. Yup, it’s real.

Mission accomplished, I guess.

So is it worth it?

No. Absolutely not. Just go to a Dunkin’ near you if you really want something Halloween-themed. They all sell Spider Donuts.

As for my order, the Spider Donut was just a normal frosted doughnut with a doughnut hole on top, all decorated to look like a spider.

As for the “Candy Bar Iced Latte,” I was underwhelmed and slightly confused about what we’re trying to accomplish as a society.

The label said that the drink had three pumps pf “Candy Bar Swirl.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but “Candy Bar” is not a flavor. That much was evident by the fact that this just tasted like a normal sugary iced coffee.

I wanted to be mad. But there was whipped cream and candy crumbles on top. I have the palate of an 8-year-old and am easily won over by sugar.

You win this round, Dunkin’.

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Want more “I Ate It” food coverage? You can follow Nick on Instagram (@NickAteIt) and TikTok (also @NickAteIt)

“I ate it so you don’t have to” is a regular food column about off-beat eats, both good and bad. I picked the name years ago and now we’re sort of stuck with it.

You can send any praise/food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please send all criticisms and thoughts about visiting Salem in October to tlavery@masslive.com You can check out the rest of the series here.