Protein Pop-Tarts are the equivilant of a dopey husband from a sitcom going to his wife and saying, “See? I’m sticking to my diet. I put lettuce on my cheeseburger.”
In terms of food abominations attempting to be healthy, Protein Pop-Tarts fall somewhere between pizza with a cauliflower crust and Fruity Pebbles that are coated with vitamin-forifying goo.
Is getting more protein in your diet a good thing? If you’re watching your macros and trying to eat fewer calories from fats and carbs, absolutely.
But Protein Pop-Tarts? They’re a scam. Fortunately, this can be a good thing or a bad thing.
The positive side is that you can pretend you’re eating better. Although saying that is a bit like saying you’re “studying for exams” when you’re really playing “Call of Duty” while your history textbook lies open next to the TV.
The negative side is that this product is still terrible for your body.
Sure, they feature “milk protein concentrate” and “wheat protein,” which help bump it to 10 grams of protein for a serving of two Pop-Tarts.
That number should not impress you. That’s the same amount of protein in four slices of Wonder Bread. It’s also a marginal bump from a normal pair of Pop-Tarts, which have 5 grams of protein per serving.
For your body, it’s like a parking ticket that comes with a $5 coupon to Long John Silver’s.
It’s a nice add-on. But let’s be real. You’re never actually going to make use of that benefit.
Protein Pop-Tarts | Review
For the protein-boosted line, Pop-Tarts took three of its classic flavors and added alliterative words to the beginning for no clear reason.
- Bumpin’ Blueberry
- Slammin’ Strawberry
- Boostin’ Brown Sugar Cinnamon
In no way can any of these flavors be described as “bumpin’” or “slammin’.” They’re definitely not “boostin’.” Unless we’re talking about boostin’ my desire to take a nap.
These Pop-Tarts must really be struggling. They’re working so hard to get five g’s of protein on the back that they had to take one out of the flavor name on the front.
(Note from the author: This joke is great and I refuse to acknowledge opinions to the contrary. Please send all complaints about Nick’s overwrought puns to jmacht@masslive.com.)
What do they taste like?
Overall, each flavor tastes pretty similar to its standard counterpart.
I didn’t pick up much of a difference in the filling. Instead, it was the outer pastry that was changed.
Texture-wise, it’s less like a pastry and more like a soft cracker. It’s like someone subbed out wheat flour for rice flour. Overall, the whole thing is thinner and more brittle.
For me, the most notable issue was how messy and splotchy the frosting looked.
I’m not out here expecting every Pop-Tart to look like they do in the commercial. But this is some of the chunkiest, weakest frosting jobs I’ve seen in a while.
Bumpin’ Blueberry — Protein boost or no, you still get the same signature flavor from the filling.
I’ve been eating blueberry Pop-Starts since before I knew what actual blueberries tasted like. You can’t fool me on this flavor.
Let me tell you. The “protein” label may be a bunch of snake oil nonsense. But at least the snake oil tastes like a blueberry Pop-Tart.
Slammin’ Strawberry — This one didn’t quite pop as much as the blueberry flavor. I’m not sure if that’s a symptom of the high-protein recipe or strawberry Pop-Tarts in general.
The main point remains the same: I’d gladly eat four of these and take a nap.
Boostin’ Brown Sugar Cinnamon — It’s more of the same for this variety. The familiar flavors are there. There’s just a slight element of chalkiness in each bite.
It doesn’t ruin the experience. But it’s there. It’s like going to the movies and the air conditioner is going too strong. You can keep your jacket on, but it’s still a noticeable problem.
So are they any good?
I don’t want to like them. But they do taste like Pop-Tarts. That means they’re delicious and full of sugar. So, yes, of course they taste good.
Are they a good vehicle for getting protein in your body in the morning? Absolutely not.
You get the same amount of protein in four slices of Wonder Bread — and for at least 100 fewer calories. Two brown sugar cinnamon Pop-Tarts are 400 calories, with the other two flavors clocking in at 380.
The final word
Listen, if you want to buy these, go right ahead. I’m just some dude on the internet. I have no power here.
But if you’re looking to add protein and have a sweet tooth, get one of those fancy flavored yogurts.
Have you ever had one of those Chobani Creations Blueberry Lemon Muffin cups? They’re delicious. It’s 10 grams of protein for 170 calories.
Meanwhile, a cup of Oikos Pro Key Lime runs you 150 calories for 20 grams of protein and also tastes really good.
This has been nutrition tips from the guy who’s eaten 106 kinds of Oreos and hasn’t gotten yelled at by his doctor about his bloodwork.
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“I ate it so you don’t have to” is a regular food column about off-beat eats, both good and bad. I picked the name years ago and now we’re sort of stuck with it.
You can send any praise/food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please send all criticisms and complaints about the “I Ate It” guy giving out nutritional advice to jmacht@masslive.com. You can check out the rest of the series here.
