I ate at McDonald’s in Germany so you don’t have to

I walked into a McDonald’s in Frankfurt, Germany and was able to buy a box full of Chicken McNuggets and pizza rolls — all while never interacting with another person.

It was, without a doubt, the perfect fast food experience — at least when you’re making the ill-advised decision of grabbing an irresponsible amount of fast food at midnight while in a foreign country.

I ate at McDonald’s in Germany so you don’t have to

It turns out that McDonald’s Deutschland has a lot of wild options on what it calls its “McMenü®,” ranging from Pizzataschen (Pizza Pockets) and curly fries (in addition to the normal fries).

This patently silly idea only became more reasonable when I saw that this McDonald’s Deutschland had a series of touchscreen kiosks that you could order from (and change the language to English).

That means bumbling Americans like myself can easily avoid the emotionally devastating process of trying to order food in another language.

Here’s what I picked out:

• I didn’t just get the Pizza Pockets. I got a big box that contained “12 Chicken McNuggets + 5 Pizzataschen” and came with three sauces.
• A Big Mac, which in German is known as, well, a Big Mac.
• A McPlant, a Beyond Meat burger that they haven’t released in the United States.
• McPlant Nuggets, because I might as well try those, too.
• The Curly Fries seemed interesting, so those got thrown in as well.
• For dessert: A Heiße Cookies & Cream Tasche (Hot Cookies & Cream Pie)
• A bunch of different sauces — Sweet Chili Sauce, Curry Sauce, Süßsauer Sauce (Sweet & Sour Sauce) and something called Senf Sauce (which it turns out was just mustard)

What does it taste like?

Pizza Pockets – These tasted just like Totino’s Pizza Rolls. They had a thick, chewy outer breading and a good-but-bland filling of cheese and sauce. This isn’t exactly high-end gourmet stuff. But sometimes, it’s exactly what you need in the world.

Plant McNuggets/Chicken McNuggets – I honestly could not tell the difference. I attempted to taste these blind and legitimately could not tell the two apart when my eyes were closed. Full disclosure, I had a co-taster who disagreed wildly with me and thought I was nuts for thinking that.

Big Mac – This tasted like the American version of a Big Mac, which is really a pretty damning review for a burger. It’s less a burger than it is a wall of bread with intermittent pockets of sauce, pickles and sometimes meat. The “patties” were some disappointingly thin meat pucks.

McPlant – This was a nothing burger covered in condiments and veggies. It almost made me feel like I was something healthy. But I wasn’t. I could have just gotten a salad.

Curly Fries – These taste like any other curly fry you’ve had from a chain restaurant in your life. I’ve had these curly fries before. You’ve probably had these curly fries before.

Hot Cookies & Cream Pie – I was expecting a super-sweetened Oreo-like pie. Instead, I got a crispy, custard-filled pocket that had mellow chocolate and eggy flavors. It was barely sweet. It’s lightyears away from what my brain is conditioned to expect from a fast-food dessert.

The Sauces – These were awesome. The Sweet Chili had a surprising amount of kick, coming in with a deliberate, well-aimed punch of heat. The Curry Sauce was sweet and delightful — like they added curry powder to the Sweet & Sour. Then there was the mustard…

The Mustard Sauce – This was the single greatest part of my meal from McDonald’s Deutschland. It was well-balanced, coming in with zing and just a hint of sweetness. But it wasn’t overpowering. I want an oil drum of this stuff delivered to my house.

So was it any good?

The pizza rolls and chicken nuggets were good. I was really impressed by the sauce.

Everything else? Meh.

The final word

You may be asking: Why the heck did I write this article?

So, I was supposed to be doing work. That was the original goal for the day was to help provide complete coverage of Sunday’s NFL game in Frankfurt between the New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts.

Then everything went all cattywampus. The crowd sang “Sweet Caroline” while a Boston sports team was trailing and ultimately lost in heartbreaking fashion. It turns out that I’d flown to Europe to basically watch the same thing that happened every time the Red Sox played the Rays this year.

Still, I felt compelled to share the true experience of going to Frankfurt to watch the Patriots play. I had to find a way to capture the day’s emotional avalanche. What would it have been like for a fan to come all this week, get all excited and then watch the world’s worst fake spike?

The answer: Go to McDonald’s in a foreign country around midnight and buy a bunch of weird stuff.

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“I ate it so you don’t have to” is a regular food column looking at off-beat eats, both good and bad. It runs every other Thursday-ish at noon-ish.

You can send any praise/food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please send all criticisms and questions about why McDonald’s should just release the McPlant worldwide to tlavery@masslive.com. You can check out the rest of the series here.

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