Dear Topsfield Fair, I apologize for unintentionally being a hater.
Clearly, I was not aware of the great work you were doing, the cutting-edge technological developments you were achieving in wacky fair food.
I’d always considered you the traditional county fair, where the must-have item was the simple apple crisp. I did not realize I could also get apple crisp in an egg roll or as an ice cream float.
This year, as part of MassLive’s Destinations coverage, I made a point to travel up to Topsfield and expand my coverage of Massachusetts’ fairs, despite the potentially catastrophic effects it could have on my health.
I’ll admit, I wasn’t expecting too much. I had just escaped the pickle-addled badlands of The Big E. Surely, the Topsfield Fair would be a walk in the park.
It turns out that all these years, I hadn’t been looking hard enough.
10 foods I ate at the Topsfield Fair this year
I arrived at the Topsfield fairgrounds with a loose game plan in mind. This was the place that had the good apple crisp, right?
I figured I’d start there – and I did. It just wasn’t in the form I was expecting.
1) Iced Apple Crisp Ice Cream Float | From Goodness Shakes
I had no idea what this item actually entailed when I ordered it. I just saw “Iced Apple Crisp Ice Cream Float” and my mind sort of went blank for a while until the cup was in my hand.
It turns out that this is a cup of apple cider withs a couple of scoops of apple crisp ice cream submerged in it.
It’s novel. It’s brilliant. The apple chunks in the ice cream created a strange texture, sure. But I enjoyed it. More people should experiment with using different drinks as floats.
Status: Full of vigor, but kind of warm. It shouldn’t be 82 out in early October!
2) Grape & Peach Oreos | From Petezpop
While meandering around the Fair Trade Center, I stumbled upon a man selling a wild assortment of candy and snacks from around the world.
I thought I’d seen all the Oreo flavors. But then I saw a box of Oreos with grapes and a peach on it.
Further research revealed that yes, it’s part of a “Double Fruit” series of cookies in China.
The man at the table described them as “SweeTarts” Oreos. I figured that was a clever way of describing the tartness of the cookie.
Nope. These taste eerily like SweeTarts candy. It’s truly bizarre.
Status: Confused. Intimidated by the vastness of our world.
3) Two-Foot-Long Sour Rainbow Licorice | From Ellie’s Licorice
Look at this thing. It’s huge. I could use this thing to fight brigands and vagabonds like Indiana Jones.
Also, it tastes good. It’s got a pleasant sour casing and a wonderfully mellow sweet filling.
Status: Checking my surroundings for assassins, ready to fend them off at a moment’s notice, also in need of something that isn’t sugar.
4) Pot Roast Sundae | From The Lunch Box
I’ve had a savory BBQ sundae before. But a pot roast sundae? This is new. I like it.
It’s like an upside-down shepherd’s pie, where the meat and corn are on top and the mashed potatoes are on the bottom. Plus, having it look so much like ice cream will never stop being interesting.
The cherry tomato on top is a nice touch.
Status: Oh no, I’m getting kind of full already. I still have a lot more to do.
5) Clam Chowder Chompers | Chompers
They did it. The madmen actually did it. They figured out how to deep-fry clam chowder.
This is it. State fairs in Massachusetts have peaked. Everyone, go home.
Wait, no. Hold on. These are delicious and come with a lemon aioli. Everyone, come back and order some of these.
Status: Seriously, someone take some of these so I don’t eat them all.
6) Deep-Fried Monte Cristo | From Marley’s
I want to know why I don’t see more Monte Cristo sandwiches in the world.
Cuban sandwiches are popular. So are Reubens. Where are the brave souls in the restaurant industry willing to make turkey/ham sandwiches using French toast as bread?
They’re at the Topsfield Fair, at the Marley’s food truck, tossing those sandwiches in the deep-fryer because this is America and we refuse to relinquish our right to make terrible decisions.
Status: I’m definitely not getting sleepy because I ate too much. Look at all the protein that’s in this. It’s basically good for me.
7) Brown Bread and Baked Beans | From the Congressional Church of Topsfield
You want to talk about throwback Massachusetts foods? Here it is: brown bread and baked beans.
When I think of brown bread, I think of the stuff from B&M that comes in a can. However, this is a delightful homemade version that tastes like the bread version of Raisin Bran.
The beans? They taste like baked beans. I don’t know what to tell you. They’re beans.
Status: Full of beans.
8) Fried Ice Cream | From Spud’s
I’d always heard of fried ice cream as a concept that exists at state fairs. But I’d never seen it.
How did it work? Did it actually taste good? I sought this answer among the myriad enigmas that cast their shadows over our fleeting residency in this world.
Oh, look! You can get it at Spud’s for $9! They also make blooming onions and something called a “Pig Mac.”
In reality, fried ice cream is a little wonky. It’s a hunk of deeply frozen ice cream that has the remnants of a cornflake-like shell around it.
It’s not revelatory. But it is ice cream, which is always good to get.
Status: Oh no. When was the last time I drank water? It feels like my ears are mad at me. Is that a sunburn, or is my body about to mutiny?
9) Apple Crisp Egg Roll | From Heart’s Catering Concessions
I swear, there was a point where I actually intended to get the actual apple crisp that the Topsfield Fair is famous for.
But in my defense, I am the food journalist equivalent of a squirrel. I have a plan. But I immediately forget it and abandon it the moment I see something shiny or full of sugar.
The apple crisp egg roll seemed like a silly idea at first. But then I realized it’s just a spruced-up version of a McDonald’s apple pie – delicious.
Status: OK, I’m wiped and full. I’d better leave before something steals my attenti–
10) Apple Pie Donut Ice Cream Cone | From NH Donut Cones
Darn it! I was fully ready to leave this fair in functional condition. But then I saw a stand where they make doughnuts into cones, fill them with ice cream and top them with awesome stuff.
This is the greatest business model I’ve ever seen. If this place isn’t bigger than Tesla within five years, then the economy is truly broken.
This thing is delicious. It’s a solid foundation of vanilla ice cream that’s topped with caramel, cooked apples and a graham cracker. The real star is the cone, which is slightly crusty on the outside and delightfully fluffy on the inside.
I ate more of this than I should have. I regret nothing.
Status: OK, I just sat down. I might be regretting some things.
So, where did that leave me?
The same position I was in after The Big E, dead in the grass after my hedonistic marathon through an asphalt labyrinth of food trucks and farm animals.
There’s no better way to spend an afternoon in the fall – unless you’re going to see the demolition derby race on the last day of the Topsfield Fair on Monday, Oct. 13.
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