Dear Eric: My wife and our 6-year-old daughter went to the wedding of my older daughter from a prior marriage. My wife and daughter have always had a rocky relationship. My younger daughter was a flower girl, and she was asked not to wear a tiara. My wife gave me lots of arguments as to why my daughter should be allowed to wear a tiara. My older daughter ultimately held her original stance.
Now my wife is livid at my older daughter. She doesn’t want anybody from my daughter’s side of the family ever to come to our house, et cetera.
She fights with me as if I’m taking my daughter’s side. I’m simply telling her that I don’t believe my older daughter orchestrated this to somehow be mean.
My wife, in general, has anger management issues. Now she says, “This is war!”
How can I explain to her that she is being unreasonable? This isn’t the first time my wife has had a very hot-headed reaction to things, but she won’t admit she has a problem. I’ve tried getting to the source of this anger, but with no success. Oftentimes, when she’s speaking to her mother, I have heard her telling my wife to calm down.
Please don’t tell me to see a counselor because she will not do so. What is the strategy for living with someone who is exceedingly hot-tempered? If it wasn’t for this aspect of our marriage, we otherwise get along very well.
—Heated Home
Dear Heated Home: My hands get a little tied when people write, “don’t tell me to do [this thing that will help me].” Counseling is one of the things you and your wife need, and her resistance to going, perhaps, indicates that she’s not interested in solving the problems you have.
Indeed, she’s declared that she’s going to war with your daughter. It’s hard to have armistice talks when your home is the battlefield.
Here’s what you can control: Start seeing a counselor on your own. Processing your emotions about this will also help you to see new ways of relating to or releasing this behavior.
I don’t think that explaining to your wife that you think she’s being unreasonable is your goal. Instead, try conveying to her what this reaction is doing to you and to your daughters. “I understand and respect that you feel angry. Can you also understand and respect that your response is hurting me and threatens to damage the relationship our daughters have with us and with each other? What can we do to turn down the temperature?”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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