Dear Annie: My husband’s family have always been big drinkers, whereas mine are not. We have very different perspectives on the subject of alcohol. I can live with an “agree to disagree stance,” but a situation has come up where I am finding it difficult to not speak my mind.
My father-in-law has had health problems for the last 10 years. He sits around and watches television all day, and then shockingly can’t sleep at night, and drinks at least two alcoholic drinks per day, sometimes more. He recently was hospitalized for dehydration.
His heart and kidneys have also had issues, and he recently was placed on a fourth blood pressure medication. Frankly, I think the alcohol use just exacerbates all of these conditions, not to mention his sedentary lifestyle, but my husband, mother-in-law and sister-in-law don’t see the alcohol as being problematic, probably because it’s so normalized in their family.
When I point out these things to my husband, he says I am being judgmental. My brother-in-law also thinks it’s problematic, but as the in-laws, we don’t know how much we should speak up. Obviously, we care about our father-in-law, and watching his health decline is very tough on our spouses, therefore affecting us as well. But should we speak up more to my mother-in-law? Or know our place and shut up?
— Concerned Daughter-in-Law
Dear Concerned: With a sensitive issue like this one, communication is key. Instead of framing your concerns as a critique, express them with compassion. Share your observations about your father-in-law’s health in a way that conveys you are all on the same side. It’s important to strike a balance between voicing your concerns and respecting family dynamics.
It sounds like he has a long way to go on his health journey, and these changes probably won’t all happen at once. It might make more sense to start with something small, like going on a walk every day, and then gradually add in healthy habits one by one.
Dear Annie: My boyfriend’s kids hate me for genuinely no reason. He sees his kids twice a week for dinner, a dinner which I cook, but then I have to leave the house while the kids are visiting with him.
It’s been five years of his kids ignoring me and kicking me out of the house when they come to visit. When this happens, I usually have to wait out in the car. It’s ridiculous. What can I do?
— Five Years Excluded
Dear Excluded: I am shocked that your boyfriend allowed this sort of behavior from his children at all, but even more so that he’s let it continue for so many years. Something bigger is going on here, without a doubt. You might not have done anything directly, but it makes no sense for them to dislike you for “no reason.”
Open up the lines of communication with your boyfriend. He needs to know what kind of toll this treatment is taking on you. Hopefully he can provide some clarity on how his kids feel and, better yet, ways to put you all on the path to a more amicable relationship.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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