Dear Annie: I have a good friend “Amy,” who is a great lady. We’ve known each other for about 15 years, but we reconnected about two years ago and started attending events together, including dinners that range from casual to fine dining. We’re both in our late 40s and single. She’s a mom of three almost-grown adults who she raised without her ex-husband present, including financially. I have a lot of respect for her.
The issue is her table manners. I first noticed them when I invited her over for a casual cookout, and I just overlooked it. I’m not a snob, but I know others noticed how she was eating—for example, talking with food in her mouth with her elbows on the table and not returning condiments to the middle of the table for others to access easily. The way she held her utensils and kept her head almost in her plate was noticeable, and some people moved to another table.
I’m so embarrassed for her. She is an educated woman who grew up in a midsize city, so it seems she would have picked up some better manners. My daughter believes she is oblivious to herself. We really like Amy, and I tried to acquaint her with some eligible men to date, but her manners are so off-putting.
How can I help her polish her table manners without offending her?
—Embarrassed at the Table
Dear Embarrassed: You’re right that table manners matter, but so does tact. Since you’ve already tried mentioning it without success, focus on scaling back your get-togethers, keeping them casual. If a situation calls for something more formal, decide whether Amy’s the right fit for that setting before extending the invite.
If she ever asks you directly for advice on dating or, more broadly, on how she carries herself, that’s your cue to speak up kindly and more directly than you have before. Your daughter may be right that she’s oblivious to these social faux pas, or maybe she just doesn’t feel they carry that much weight. Either way, you can’t fix what she doesn’t want to change.
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