Dear Annie: My brother has a chronic mental illness. For all his life up until two years ago, he lived in the same city as my long-divorced parents, and there he received support from them as well as from community mental health services.
Two years ago, he moved to another city, one he has long felt strongly drawn to and that is far from our parents, me and any other family members.
My parents have continued to provide him with financial support, but neither of them can continue doing this, at the rate they have been, for much longer. My father told my brother that he needs to get connected to mental health/life skills services in the new city or my father will gradually decrease the monthly amounts he sends. The main goal is to find a professional who will help my brother manage the money he receives from my parents.
My brother does not seem to remember the mental health and life skills services he’s had in the past. He says that he doesn’t need them now. He is incredibly resistant to any discussion about this.
My father has indeed started decreasing my brother’s monthly stipend. My brother already lives below the poverty level and, if he doesn’t comply with my father’s contingencies, it’s likely that he’ll soon be homeless. My brother has Social Security benefits and housing assistance, but that alone is not enough to live on. He believes he can’t work. He needs my parents’ stipends for basic necessities.
He is scornful of suggestions we offer regarding budgeting, using local food banks, washing his clothes by hand (his laundry expenses are unusually high) and the like. He does not spend the money my parents send him wisely, and he continually asks for more.
We are just hoping that there are services that will help him budget and conserve his money, and that he will use them. We have provided him with all the information we have found about services local to him and have offered to call them with him. He responds with belligerence.
Annie, my questions are: One, do you think my dad is doing the right thing by making his financial support to my brother contingent on him seeking services? And two, can you think of anything we haven’t yet tried to support him in gaining those services?
— Worried Sister
Dear Worried Sister: It’s difficult to watch someone you love struggle in the way your brother has, but your father’s approach has purpose. There’s a difference between supporting your brother in a way that’s beneficial and enabling his dependence. Your brother needs people in his corner, and he has that. He must also be willing to help himself, especially if he’s set on living alone.
The suggestions you’ve all made to him are good ones. I also wonder if seeing a doctor wouldn’t be the best next step. He feels he cannot work — is that purely due to his mental health, or is there a physical issue that needs to be addressed, too?
Continue to be a shoulder he can lean on while vehemently insisting that he utilize local resources and take steps to better his situation — before homelessness becomes not a possibility, but a reality. Ultimately, asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness: It’s the greatest sign of strength.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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