Dear Annie: My best friend’s ex-wife and I have found each other after decades and fallen in love. The whole situation is really complicated. She left their marriage over 30 years ago and recently divorced another man—the one she left my friend for. She left my friend bitter and broken, and he’s never really forgiven her. I can’t blame him.
But she recently reached out to me, and I’ve grown very fond of her. I’ve asked him repeatedly if my connection is upsetting to him. He’s said he doesn’t care but does not want to know details. Well, I mentioned her the other day and he exploded, saying I had betrayed him and how could I? He is angry, hurt, and refuses to speak to me. He is my best life-long friend! What can I do?
—Stuck Between Love and Friendship
Dear Stuck: The truth is that you knew your friend’s emotions were at risk when you started dating the woman who broke his heart. I am not sure why you brought her up after he requested you keep the relationship to yourself, but here we are.
Your relationship with his ex is clearly painful to him, so I would respect his space while he takes time to cool off. I would then reach out expressing how much you value his friendship and want to keep it in your life.
I can only assume you see a serious future with this woman; otherwise, you wouldn’t have gone down this road. So talk to her about potential boundaries you can set to make your friend feel more at ease about your relationship.
Dear Annie: I am a retired psychotherapist and read your column every day. I’m writing in response to “Torn and Tired,” the person whose mother wants to downsize but struggles to part with the clutter in her overflowing house. I think you missed an important issue in your response, which is that I suspect the mother may have hoarding disorder.
The daughter alludes to this in her letter, and if it’s true, this changes things beyond decluttering. It is important that this family understands what hoarding disorder entails. There are professionals who can help people with hoarding disorder if that person is willing to get and accept the help. Understanding the illness can also be very helpful to family members.
—Compassionate Clinician
Dear Compassionate: Thank you—and the handful of other readers!—for pointing out this very important distinction. Hoarding is recognized as a legitimate mental health diagnosis in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), and it should absolutely be treated as such. This mother would benefit greatly from professional help, as you mention, in addition to the support of her loving and patient family.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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