Dear Eric: I have a widowed friend we’ll call Vivian. Since her husband died a few years ago, my husband and I have invited her to have dinner with us on several occasions.
Recently, I invited her to join us on a certain Friday. I asked about 10 days in advance, and we then settled on a time and restaurant. Everything was fine until about three days before our date. I got a text from her saying that her nephew was coming to town, and she might have a family obligation on Friday. She would let me know whether or not she could make “our date.”
I don’t understand. She makes the date with me and then decides this may not work? My husband said that Vivian values her family over our friendship. Your thoughts?
—Dining Alone
Dear Dining: While I understand the disappointment of canceled plans, I think your read of Vivian is a bit uncharitable. If her nephew doesn’t live in town, it stands to reason that she doesn’t have as many chances to see him as she does you. I’d hope you’d be happy that your friend gets to maintain family connections.
Your friendship isn’t in competition with Vivian’s family. They are separate relationships, each with its own importance. But, resenting her seeing family members indicates an insecurity that could poison your relationship. So, don’t let it. Right-size your feelings about this, suggest a few dates to reschedule, and wish Vivian well at her family event.
Dear Eric: A, B, and C live in the same senior apartment building. A invites B to go to lunch or a movie or any social gathering. Can B suggest they invite C? My friend says that is bad manners. I say the opposite. Who is right?
—Social Rules
Dear Social: Some of this depends on context. Inviting a third person to a movie is different from inviting them to, say, your friend’s niece’s baby shower. But asking for permission beforehand is, generally, good form. Moreover, it can bring up the kind of unspoken rules that can result in bruised feelings if broken.
It sounds like you’re trying to expand your social circle (presuming you’re B). Your friend may feel insecurity or shyness, or she simply may not want to hang out with C. I don’t see the ask as bad manners, but what’s most important is why your friend sees it that way. Asking a follow-up question like “is there a time when inviting C would be better for you?” or simply “can you tell me why you feel that way?” will help you understand each other more clearly.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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