Dear Annie: Can you please offer me some advice about my sister? I am in my 60s and have dealt with her and her drama for more than 50 years. I am about ready to stop for good.
She is an alcoholic, a daily pot smoker and a three-pack-a-day cigarette smoker. It has been a roller coaster with her and her anger. I am far from perfect, but I do not smoke or drink. One of my brothers recently passed away from liver disease. After his death, we found out that he lived a secret life, which has left us all a gigantic mess to have to clear up legally and emotionally.
I’ve never felt this depth of anger, and I’ve not been able to grieve for him. My sister keeps telling me that I don’t understand the brain of an alcoholic. I’ve experienced a lifetime of alcoholics and their brains — their actions, the consequences, their emotions and their effects on those around them.
I’ve had my fill. I’ve had it till I am unable to take any more. I angrily let my sister know that I’m sick to death of the addict’s excuses. If I’m mad at him, don’t make excuses on his behalf. Once again, she is angry with me and not speaking to me for the millionth time.
I deeply love her, but I’m not sure I can bring myself to try to smooth this out anymore. I need some advice/inspiration/different thinking to keep me going this time. Where do I turn? What do I do?
— Sister Drama
Dear Sister Drama: Loving and living with an addict is challenging and heart-wrenching. I understand how watching your brother and sister make decisions that hurt themselves or others around them causes you pain. However, it’s important not to lose sight of the fact that addiction is a serious disease, not something they are choosing to do to upset you.
While you’re unable to improve the relationship you had with your brother, you still have time to do so with your sister. Take the time and space you need when you need it, but try to be supportive of her making positive changes in her life. Encourage her to look into Alcoholics Anonymous, if you can.
You can’t make her decisions for her, but knowing she has your genuine support might make all the difference in her deciding to seriously pursue sobriety. You might also find comfort from others in Al-Anon, especially in grieving your brother’s death.
Dear Annie: My girlfriend is driving me nuts talking about religion. Every time we talk, she brings it up or mentions it. I’ve told her that I don’t want to discuss it anymore. She does not understand how I feel about this. What should I do? I told her just to email me for now.
— Rubbed Wrong by Religion
Dear Rubbed: You two have reached an impasse over what is undeniably a major dealbreaker. It sounds like your girlfriend’s faith is incredibly important to her, and that’s not likely to change in your favor any time soon.
It’s OK to think and feel differently from one another, but if you can’t stomach hearing about something she’s obviously so passionate about, you’re better off finding someone whose views more closely align with yours. A relationship that’s been relegated entirely to email surely won’t survive.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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