Dear Annie: My husband — who is loving, hardworking and helpful around the house — slights me from time to time. I believe he loves me, but these slights really hurt and began to become a pattern about 12 years ago.
It happened for the first time in our marriage when his ex-girlfriend from 35 years ago showed up in our social circle. He would sit right next to her at events “because I was talking to others” or “already sitting.” When I told him I had saved him a seat and it would have been nice if we would have sat together and that I felt slighted and discounted, he said, “Well, I haven’t seen her in years, and I wanted to catch up.” Then, at several following events, it was the same way.
I trust my husband, so I didn’t say much until the ex-girlfriend would come to talk to him, not even acknowledging me. It was then that I finally spoke up and said, “I’m not understanding why she’s so important to you, and I feel disrespected.”
Then, during the pandemic, he was consistently over at his mother’s doing projects and having meals whenever he wasn’t at work. I even voiced that I was feeling isolated working from home so it would be nice if he could spend at least one day of the weekend with me and have an occasional meal together. We planned to have dinner together, and just before our scheduled dinner, he said he was going to his mother’s for pizza.
Now one of my childhood friends has moved back to our state, and as we reconnected, my husband and her would get into discussions about outdoor activities. Next thing I know he is inviting her hunting (I don’t hunt). The first time they went it was with another buddy. I learned about it after the invite, the day before they were going, so there was no discussion. The next week it was just the two of them. I asked that he not spend time with her alone, stating that, after all, I don’t hang with other men alone. He did respect that request.
The most recent slight happened when we were going out on a double date with another couple. They came to pick us up, and when the woman got out of the car (to allow my husband to sit up front), my husband said, “Wow, you really look nice” and then opened the back door for her to get in. My husband used to open doors for me. But he made no mention of my appearance or outfit. When we were leaving dinner walking to the car, he didn’t open the door for me; he proceeded to the other side of the car and opened her door instead. I just don’t understand. Any advice/insight would be appreciated.
— Feeling Slighted
Dear Feeling Slighted: It sounds like you have been an open, direct communicator throughout your marriage, which is always the first step. Voicing these types of feelings can feel scary or intimidating, so I commend you for speaking up.
Your husband may be the loving, trustworthy man that you feel he is — but if he’s not acting in a way that makes you feel loved and trusting, then you have an issue. You’ve already done the hardest part: communicating your feelings in an honest and constructive way. And it sounds like your upfront communication has led to some improvements.
It’s very easy to become so comfortable in a relationship that you wind up taking each other for granted, which might explain why he holds the door open for another woman but not for you. On the other hand, there might be more going on that should be explored. I recommend finding a couples therapist to help guide you both to rekindling your love for each other.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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