DEAR ABBY: My aunt frequently cuts people out of her life for perceived slights — small, large and imagined. A few years ago, she got into a fight with my dad (her brother). Somehow, the rest of my family got cut out, too. Guilt by association, I guess.
She has done it to me so many times that I decided this last time would be it. I no longer want the drama of being “let back in” (without explanation or apology), only to be mysteriously cut off again.
Unfortunately, my dad is in ill health. He and his sister have recently made contact, but it is only surface conversation. When he passes, how do I let her know about his death without inviting her back into my life? No one in our family wants her at the funeral. Thanks for your wisdom.
— UNSURE IN THE WEST
DEAR UNSURE: Tell your aunt about her brother’s death and let her decide if she wishes to attend the funeral. If she comes, be cordial. The woman is obviously troubled, but she should be allowed to pay her last respects if she wishes. Permitting her to do this does not need to change anything between the two of you. Remember, funerals exist to comfort the living, and that includes your aunt.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married nearly 30 years, and there is nothing fundamentally wrong with my marriage or my husband. However, since I began working at home, I have noticed that my husband has a variety of irritating personal habits and idiosyncrasies that, because I was away at work all day, I never truly “appreciated” until now.
On one hand, I have always believed that home is the one place where people should be fully embraced despite their imperfections. On the other, he is driving me out of my gourd! Just like with sausage, maybe spouses should not be examined too carefully. Any advice for renewing the mystery in our relationship?
— UP THE WALL IN OREGON
DEAR UP THE WALL: If all that’s missing is the mystery, perhaps you and your husband should see less of each other as soon as it is feasible. Being elbow to elbow day after day can diminish the romance if my mail is any indication. In the meantime, if there is something that needs tweaking, tell your husband what bothers you so he can make some changes — as long as you are willing to do the same for him. It could save your marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I am dating a widower whose wife died three years ago. He constantly tells me he loves me. I love him, too. The problem is, every day he writes on his calendar that he loves his late wife. He also keeps her gardening shoes by his back door, and a large picture of her faces the chair he sits in. Am I making too much of this?
— RANKED SECOND IN MICHIGAN
DEAR RANKED SECOND: Perhaps. It is said that true love never dies. It’s possible to still love a spouse who has passed on while also loving a woman who is living. Only you can decide if his attachment to his late wife is something you can live with.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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