Dear Abby: I need advice about a new relationship. I am a 60-year-old man. I divorced last year and met a nice woman named “Eileen” shortly afterward, and things seemed to be going well. When my ex found out I was seeing Eileen (they didn’t know each other) she decided to call Eileen and try to cause issues by saying many things that are not true. She succeeded.
I tried to save my marriage but was unsuccessful and was trying to move on and be happy again. There was no abuse or anything like that, but my ex said I didn’t fulfill her needs well enough, so she moved on. I now feel Eileen doesn’t fully trust me even though she still sees me.
I want to have an open and honest relationship because I care for Eileen enough that someday in the future, I may want to make her my wife. How can I earn back the trust that was lost and get our relationship back on track? Things have definitely taken a big step backward, and I’m disappointed and saddened.
—Nervous in New Hampshire
Dear Nervous: You have done nothing wrong and shouldn’t need to “earn back” Eileen’s trust. Have a face-to-face talk with Eileen. Tell her you care very much about her, but since your bitter ex-wife felt the need to have a woman-to-woman chat with her, you sense things may have changed between you. Ask if that’s true, and if it is, ask why. She needs to hear your side of the story to counteract what your ex said. However, if, indeed, she no longer trusts you, you may need to find another lady friend.
Dear Abby: I have been dating the most wonderful man I have ever met for more than a year, and we are planning to get married. One of the things we have bonded over is that we both want a multigenerational household. My boyfriend’s parents (who are in their 70s) have been living with him for the past two years, and this will continue for the foreseeable future.
As our wedding grows closer, I’m feeling increasingly anxious about the logistics of living with his parents. I like having minimal possessions, while they are borderline hoarders. My boyfriend knows I’m anxious about it and is willing to talk about the situation, but he also takes the position that he and his family are a package deal. I love him, but I don’t think I can sign up for 20 years of a cluttered house. What should I do?
—Concerned about Clutter
Dear Concerned: I’m glad your boyfriend is willing to talk about it, but what is he willing to DO about it? Your (and his parents’) lifestyles are very different. They feel most secure having all of their possessions around. At their ages, they are not likely to change.
The place to have a truth session would be in the office of a licensed family counselor to see if this can be mediated. But frankly, because they are a package deal, as all multigenerational households are, you might be better off finding someone to marry other than the three of them.
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