Dear Abby: How do I deal with family pressure to reconnect with an abusive parent?

Dear Abby: My mother has cancer that has metastasized, and my family is now expecting me to talk to her. We haven’t had a relationship in nine years, ever since she moved out of state with her boyfriend. Abby, our relationship has been toxic ever since she found out she was pregnant with me almost 35 years ago. My family expects me to put out a “fire” I didn’t start, just because she is sick. The last time she was in town, I held her accountable for the choices she’s made, and she exploded. She screamed, cussed at me and disrespected me in my home.

Am I cruel for standing my ground and refusing to be mistreated by her? Must I please my family and succumb to their pressure to surrender my peace? What if my mother survives only to abuse me again?

—Victimized in Ohio

Dear Victimized: Your mother’s illness is terminal. What you must decide is whether you would like to make peace with her for yourself, NOT because relatives are pressuring you into it. If the answer to that question is no, tell these well-meaning relatives that because of the abuse you suffered at her hands from the time you were little, you feel you lost your mother years ago and you are not comfortable contacting her now.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.