Dear Eric: I have a problem that seems to be getting worse with time. Our son is married and very happy. He lives in another state from us, so it is always a quick visit to see each other, which happens usually twice a year.
The problem is my husband and I really don’t enjoy our visits. They’ve become very stressful. Time with a grown child should not be stressful. We are always walking on eggshells around them. It is their way or no way. They have become selfish adults.
Our last visit was truly exhausting, and my husband doesn’t want to go again anytime soon. I know if I have a conversation with my son, we will probably not talk at all, and it will sever our relationship. I truly don’t know what to do because I didn’t raise my son to be so difficult and make our family so uncomfortable in his and his wife’s presence. Please help.
— Lost and Stressed Mom
Dear Mom: Reading your letter, I wondered if it was possible to change the structure, schedule, or even the setting of your time with your son. It sounds like you’re looking for more hospitality, which is totally fair. Or, short of that, a visit that’s rooted in mutual enjoyment and the easy compromises that go along with it. So, perhaps by giving yourself some of that hospitality and consideration, you can take the pressure off and enjoy yourself more.
If you’re visiting him at his home, for instance, I wonder if there’s a part of him that feels his space is being infringed upon or his schedule is being jostled. If so, it’s possible to take the triggers away.
You and your husband could plan other local events for your time in his state—seeing friends, visiting cultural institutions, et cetera—and choose one or two pockets of time to engage with your son and daughter-in-law. This way you have something to look forward to, something around which to build your schedule, and you’re not beholden to his hospitality or lack thereof.
The desire to visit isn’t always met by the ability to visit well. It sounds like he’s got some growing to do in that area. If you’re walking around on eggshells, the best thing may be to step back for a little bit.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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