Dear Eric: Close friends frequently keep their first grandchild. Now, whenever we spend time with them, it’s impossible to carry on any kind of conversation.
Being besotted is understandable, but this couple continually directs the four-year-old to perform for us, i.e., “Say your ABCs,” “sing a song,” “what color is this?” “tell our guests where you went yesterday.”
The child is not allowed to think or speak for himself. My concern is the effect this has on the child. It can’t be healthy.
—Concerned Friends
Dear Friends: It seems like there are a couple of aspects to this question. Some are within your control, others, not so much. Is it possible that your friends are trying to entertain you by prompting their grandchild to tell you these things? Four-year-olds can be chatty and wonderfully active, but—depending on the child—they may not always be consistent conversation partners for adults. Your friends could be worried that you’re bored, or even a little sensitive about the ways visits have changed since their grandchild came along. Grant them a little grace with this. The child won’t be four forever; eventually, he’ll have more things to say or other things to do while you and the other adults entertain yourselves.
You don’t have to worry about the child’s ability to think for himself. He’s being engaged by adults and asked questions—these are good things and helpful for his development. Respectfully, I wonder if some of this concern is rooted in your frustration about not being able to have an adult conversation with your friends. It must be hard to adjust to the new shape of this relationship, especially in the face of first-grandchild enthusiasm. Again, there are parts of this phase that aren’t going to last forever. But I’d encourage you to start to see the joy and delight that your friends have. If you make a point to look for that and focus on it, it may help to shift the way these visits feel.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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