Dear Eric: I’m living with my mother and am her main caregiver. My brother only contacts me just before coming with his wife and 10-year-old daughter to our family home once a year for a week.
When he leaves, we don’t hear from him. I have asked him several times to call to speak with Mum, who has dementia. He calls only when prompted, and even then, not every time.
As a result, there isn’t much interaction between my mother and her granddaughter, which I think is sad.
He said he wants to come for Christmas, but I don’t want them to come. It’s like they are on holiday. I prepare for their visit, i.e. making up beds, cleaning, and food shopping.
In this regard, I’m done with being the maid. They usually go to shopping centers, sightseeing, and taking the daughter out. They don’t offer help or support.
Because I am the only sibling confronting him about his lack of contact, he resents me and is disrespectful to me. He has become closer to one of our sisters who never broaches the subject. He often sides with her or makes it look as if I’m stupid by making sarcastic remarks.
I just feel like cutting ties with him. Your thoughts on this, please.
—Not a Maid
Dear Not a Maid: From your letter, your frustrations seem justified. Caregiving family members often feel isolation, frustration, or anger at the lack of understanding and support from other family members. You’re not alone in this.
You don’t need to wait on your brother, or even formally host him, but if you tell him not to visit, there’s a danger that the narrative becomes about whether you’re keeping your mother from him. That will only make things more contentious.
Instead, prior to his visit, tell him, “There’s a lot of work that goes into making life comfortable for Mum. So, I won’t be available to make up the beds, clean, or go shopping. But this is our family home, so you know where everything is. You’re welcome to make yourself comfortable.”
Big caveat: this is not a perfect solution by any means. I suspect you’ll still end up cleaning up after they’re gone. But what it does is it begins to reassert a new boundary. If they want a hotel, they can go to one. This can lead to new and stronger boundaries down the line. This may not be the time to cut him off, but you don’t have to give more than you have.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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