Dear Eric: I love my mother dearly, but at 84 she has reached the point of rambling. She is still fully in control of her capabilities and is mentally acute, but her conversations are now filled with details about friends of friends and their problems, health issues, et cetera.
It would be one thing if I knew these people, but the people she talks about are people she doesn’t know. These people are people her friends know.
She has several friends and our family keeps her engaged, so she is in contact with people daily and I don’t think she’s lonely, per se.
Lately, while she’s carrying on, I simply read something while she’s talking or pull the phone away from my ear. Short of that, any suggestions?
—Rambling Relative
Dear Rambling Relative: I write this with kindness—my most emphatic suggestion is that you adjust your attitude about this. Yes, it can be annoying to hear about people one doesn’t know or to listen to anyone who is rambling. I’m not saying you’re being unreasonable. But I wonder how annoying these conversations would be if, every time your mind wandered, you focused on how grateful you are to have the chance to talk to your mother and to have a loving relationship with her.
Without putting too fine a bow on things, sometimes small issues with others are actually places where we can work on acceptance and gratitude.
That said, there are some other proactive things you can do to steer the conversation. Your mother clearly wants to talk to you. Try directing her attention by asking her leading questions about herself, her past, her opinions, and her memories.
It’s also fine to say, “Mom, I’m enjoying talking to you, but I don’t know who these people are so it’s hard for me to follow. Can we talk about [another subject of your choosing] instead?” Your mom wants to share her thoughts with you; you want to spend time with your mom. Keep those two goals top of mind.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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