Dear Eric: My husband and I have friends that we get together with only when I contact them. We have dinner, go to concerts or the theater, and always enjoy ourselves.
But they never contact us or plan anything. It’s always up to me. I have recently suggested that they plan something to no avail. I feel used and abused. What do you advise?
—Constant Planner
Dear Constant Planner: It may be a cold comfort, but you’re not alone in this issue. Often the “planner friend” finds themselves saddled with the permanent unpaid job of social director for their friend group, simply because they’re good at it.
A slightly warmer comfort: this kind of imbalance is rarely malicious. Sometimes friends are indecisive or even anxious about planning. Some people just like to go with the flow and are truly “fine with whatever.” Sometimes friends think, “well, she loves to plan, so I don’t want to take that away from her.”
Think about what you really want. Do you want to feel valued for your contribution to the friendship? Do you want to just show up to an event for once, instead of having to think it through? Those are slightly different objectives.
If what you want is the latter, then it’s time to make it plain to your friends. “I like hanging out with you, but I don’t like always planning. So, I’m putting the ball in your court. If and when you’d like to see us, let us know.”
I am wary of ultimatums, or statements that sound like ultimatums, however. A more successful path might be to share your frustration with your friends and ask them why they don’t plan. You may find that they aren’t recognizing the extent of the problem, as you see it, despite your previous request. And maybe they have a perspective on social activity that will help you see the friendship in a different way while alleviating the feeling of being used.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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