Dear Eric: Last August, my husband and I told his niece that we would help with her daughter’s college expenses. We sent $2,000 to the college for the first semester. We received a thank-you text from his niece but nothing from the student. We eventually told the grandmother, my husband’s sister, that we expected something from the student recognizing that we had sent some money. Finally, a thank-you note came in the spring.
After receiving the thank-you note, we sent another $2,000 to the university. Now it is July, and we have received nothing from the girl. What do we do? Ask again for a thank-you note from the girl, stay quiet and give more money, or stay quiet and quit giving money? Are we expecting too much? I think we should just cut her off. There are three younger children that we also want to help with their college but now we question doing anything.
— Aunt and Uncle
Dear Aunt and Uncle: Let’s get the basics out of the way up top. The student should absolutely be sending you thank-you notes, unprompted. She’s old enough to know that and should be mature enough to do it. Thank-you notes are not a dying art, though they’ve long been a source of cultural consternation. In 1999, a reader wrote to Ann Landers about not receiving a thank-you note after a wedding and asked if it was a new trend. We’ve been having this conversation for decades. (Ann’s response: “No, it’s NOT a new trend. It’s an attempt to escape the tedious job of writing thank-you notes and, in my book, inexcusable.”)
I think you should go to the source, i.e., the student herself. And this aspect of my advice prompts a question. You write that you’ve been in communication with your niece and your sister-in-law, but I’m curious what relationship you have with the student.
If you don’t have a close relationship with her, there’s a world where one could imagine she thinks a thank-you text is sufficient. This is not a world of which I approve. Speaking to her directly and resetting the relationship might help. You can tell her, “we’re happy to give this money, but it’s important that when people do nice things for you, you acknowledge them.”
You can also—let’s be clear—stop sending the checks and move on. But this life lesson will be valuable.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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