Dear Eric: My mother and I have given my son, his wife and my granddaughter birthday and Christmas gifts every year for 14 years now. I have taken them to dinner some four-to-five times and my mother has had them over for lunch countless times.
They have not reciprocated even once. Should my mother and I continue giving?
—Feeling Disappointed
Dear Feeling Disappointed: Disappointment often comes when an expectation isn’t met. So, the first question I’d ask is are your son and his wife aware of your expectation? Now, yes, it’s reasonable to think a son would send birthday and Christmas gifts to a parent and grandparent without being prompted or spring for a meal now and then. I can’t speak to why this isn’t occurring to him.
But what I know for sure is that this will continue to be a source of resentment for you and your mother, whether or not you stop giving, if you don’t talk it through.
What you’re feeling is an imbalance in the relationship. Gift giving can be an expression of love, so it makes sense that when you give and don’t receive, you might feel a lack of love. The question you want to ask yourself, and them, is “how can we love each other better?” That’s going to take a little bit of vulnerability. It’s OK to talk about bruised feelings if you have them, or confusion. It’s OK to ask why. But the goal of the conversation should be a better understanding of where each other is coming from.
Tell them what matters to you, tell them what gift-giving or dinners out mean to you, and tell them how you’d like to feel. The solution might be gifts from them, or it might be something else entirely. But you won’t find it unless you talk.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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