Dear Eric: My son lives with his girlfriend and his kids. I feel she’s one way in front of my son but behind his back she is the other way. It’s like my son does everything with the kids and house and she does nothing. When I go over, she never comes out to greet me. If I invite my son to my place, he always says “oh, she doesn’t feel well.” Then she makes the kids pour her drinks. Lord knows I try to mind my own business but it’s not easy. What do you think I should do?
—Grandmom Watching Over Grandkids
Dear Grandmom: While we sometimes have to let sleeping dogs lie with regard to the relationship choices of our loved ones, the detail about the girlfriend making the kids pour her drinks is concerning. This is a place where it’s appropriate to intervene by talking to your son. It’s not appropriate and suggests that there could be other areas where your son’s girlfriend is putting the kids into unsafe or unwise positions. Express your concern to him about it. This also puts him in danger so it’s important that he address it right away.
Rooting this conversation in the well-being of the kids may also prompt him to take a look at other ways this relationship may not be in his or their best interest. He may choose to stay in the relationship if she changes her behavior, but at least he’ll know that you’re in his corner and he can go to you if and when he needs more support.
Dear Eric: Your advice to “Friendship Questioner,” whose friend was always late, was exemplary but I’d like to enhance it a bit. If in fact being on time is of the essence (leaving on time for an obligation via carpool, for example) then a bit more discussion at the planning stage can be invaluable.
“If you’re in my driveway ready to go at 9:25, I’ll know you want to carpool at 9:30. If you’re not here, then I’ll know that you made other plans. Either way, I’ll see you there!”
People do what they want. When I plan with others, I cover what will happen if they are on time and what will happen if they are not. Takes 15 seconds and pulls me (pleasantly) out of the churn.
—Catch More Flies With Honey
Dear Honey: I love this approach. There’s a clear communication of the letter writer’s needs, as well as a judgment-free acknowledgment of the friend’s reality.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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