Dear Eric: I have been in a wonderful, committed relationship for nine years but we do not live together. We are both advanced seniors whose families got along and were pleased that we were together.
The day before Thanksgiving his daughter, out of the blue, verbally attacked me over something insignificant. Her rant lasted 10 minutes while my boyfriend just sat there and said nothing. I was totally surprised by her attack but even more so that he didn’t step in and say something to stop it. Her husband, on the other hand, interjected several times on her behalf.
I have been there for him for numerous hospital stays, Covid, joint replacements and the flu while his daughter only came once for two hours during his last hospital stay. I am disappointed, hurt and angry at both of them. On one hand I want to get past this but then do I really want to be in a situation where my man doesn’t stand up for me?
— Who Is In My Corner?
Dear Who Is In My Corner: You’re absolutely right to want someone to stand up for you. I’m curious if you’ve talked with your boyfriend about this. To be clear, he isn’t responsible for his daughter’s behavior, but his lack of response exposed a gap between your expectations and his expectations.
It’s healthy to talk that out. It’s healthy to talk about your hurt feelings and to ask about his thoughts on what happened. I’m almost certain there’s more to this situation, considering it also involves family dynamics and an outburst that is far too severe.
He may say something along the lines of, “it was between you and her, I didn’t want to be involved.” And that’s a fine position to hold. But a statement like this gives you the opportunity to say, “that’s actually not how I saw it.” The goal isn’t to convince him of your view, or vice versa. It’s for both of you to keep learning about each other, so that future communication runs more smoothly.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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