Dear Eric: I’ve been friends with “Mikey” since we were about 9 years old. We are now 61. We grew up in the same neighborhood as kids, have moved around but still live in the same small town.
Over the years I’ve noticed the only time I’d see Mikey was when I’d drive to his house or see him at local flea markets. I’ve asked him to have lunch, go fishing or hang out with me and it was always some excuse as to why he couldn’t make it.
I purposely stepped back from going to see him and it was over a year before he reached out via text to ask why he hadn’t seen me. So, I replied via text and stated the above and that I was hoping for more from what I viewed as a one-sided friendship. I also stated how difficult this was to write, that I thought about him often, loved him and that he’d always be my friend.
It’s been over a week and I’ve received no reply. I don’t know what to make of this. Any insight is appreciated.
— Missing my friend
Dear Missing my friend: Good for you for asking for what you need. So often, in friendships and other relationships, we fear that talking about what isn’t working or making respectful asks for change will repel people, when in reality it makes space for a closer bond.
I know it doesn’t seem like it in the case of your friendship with Mikey. But by pointing out that something isn’t working for you, you’ve made fixing it easier. Mikey has to participate, too, though.
It’s possible that he saw your friendship differently. Maybe he’s more of a homebody and declined invitations to hang out because of social discomfort.
And maybe he’d grown comfortable with the pattern of you reaching out and feels surprised at your response. It’s not for me to say, and the feelings are his responsibility to negotiate. One of the benefits of friendship, of course, is that he could share them with you and you could talk it out.
If you miss him and you want to keep the connection going, you may have to continue taking on more responsibility in the friendship. Try reaching out by phone; ask if he’ll let you come over.
Start the conversation from a neutral, open place— you value your friendship and you want to feel valued. Hearing it rather than reading it may help the message come across more clearly. Then you and Mikey can start again.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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