Dear Eric: I have a wonderful relationship with my neighbor, “Jody”. We have gone to church and Bible study together, we have gone out for dinner, we have exchanged recipes and dinner items and prayed together. That’s why my problem is such a sensitive one. Jody has a mentally challenged son, “Troy,” who lives independently and takes the bus up from a different city each Friday to spend the weekend with his mother. He is a very sweet boy who is a big help to his mom, who has myriad health problems. On occasion when Jody is having a bad day, she has asked me to drive to pick Troy up. This has happened on six occasions so far. It is a 30-mile round trip from our neighborhood. While I’m happy to help Jody when I can, driving 30 miles uses up a lot of gas in my SUV. I know that Jody is not hard-up for money, but my income is quite limited (Social Security).
Can you suggest how I might broach this issue to my good friend without causing a rift between us? I can’t think of a way to phrase it that wouldn’t put her off. I don’t want anything to come between us because she is a dear woman, and I wouldn’t hurt her for the world.
—Carpooling
Dear Carpooling: At the risk of overanalyzing, I wonder if there’s a part of you that thinks it’s uncharitable to ask for reimbursement from a friend. I humbly suggest that it’s not, and Jody may not think it is, either. You’d still be spending your time and energy doing this out of the goodness of your heart; it’s good to let your friend know how she can help you help her.
The words you wrote to me are perfect: “Jody, I am happy to drive Troy and it’s really meaningful that you trust me to help in this way. The only thing is that gas is hard for me to manage financially. Would you be willing to cover the cost of a tank (or whatever portion of a tank it is)?” You could even, if you feel comfortable, share your concerns that this request might affect your friendship.
Think of it this way: how would Jody feel if she knew these trips are creating so much stress for you, both financially and emotionally? Surely, she’d want to do what she can to alleviate it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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